So I guess you've heard the rumors about Justin Bieber, right? Not only is he dead, but he also has syphilis. I've heard that STDs can be aggressive, but that's just ridiculous. Poor fella -- denied the only perk of death, which is to rid yourself of things you don't want: bills, in-laws, diseases, spam, etc.
Outrageous celebrity rumors are nothing new, of course. When I read about The Biebs, my mind immediately went to some of the classic celeb rumors that have hung around (like a bad case of syphilis) through the years, even though not one of them is true.
How many of these have you heard before?
Remember the Life cereal commercials with "Mikey" ("Hey, Mikey! He likes it!")? The actor who played Mikey, John Gilchrist, reportedly died a few years later when he was foolish enough to eat Pop Rocks candy and swill a Coca-Cola, a combination that made him explode.
Like rodents? Richard Gere does, or so goes the rumor. For years, the gullible have insisted that poor Dick was once rushed to the emergency room to have a rodent -- gerbil, to be precise -- removed from his, um, backside after attempting to pleasure himself in a way that no normal person or animal lover would even consider.
And how about Jamie Lee Curtis? She was born a hermaphrodite, you know. No, really. Okay, not really. But you hear it a lot. Maybe she used to be, but it was cleansed from her body by all that yogurt that makes you go to the bathroom.
Fans of the TV series The Wonder Years have been told for years that the actor who played Kevin's best bud Paul grew up to become none other than rocker Marilyn Manson. A similar rumor once made the rounds about the '50s TV classic, Leave It to Beaver; troublemaker Eddie Haskell was none other than future rocker Alice Cooper. Some child stars die; others become crappy singers.
Poor Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar from TV's Saved by the Bell. They were said to have died in a car accident just a few years after the show was cancelled. Some call it an unfortunate coincidence that they were together when they died, but I don't. I think they made a suicide pact after seeing fellow Bell-er Elizabeth Berkley's godawful movie, Showgirls, and drove their car over a cliff.
But wait, there's more! Did you hear that ...
- Marisa Tomei won her 1992 Supporting Actress Oscar by mistake after senile old presenter Jack Palance read the wrong name off the card.
- Courteney Cox bleaches her anus. Or is it Jennifer Aniston who bleaches hers? Or does Jennifer bleach Courteney's? I get all the anus-bleaching mixed up.
- Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour, so blithely spoofed by Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, once had a hot-and-heavy affair with -- yeah, mon -- Bob Marley. In related news, Stir blogger Amy Keyishian has a thing for Jimmy Cliff.
- Mick Jagger once collapsed on stage and was rushed to the emergency room, where something like 20 gallons of semen were pumped from his stomach. Oddly enough, the exact same thing happened to Britney Spears, Rod Stewart, Lil' Kim, Elton John, Madonna, David Bowie, and Mariah Carey.
- Paris Hilton's mother, Kathy, gave Paris and sister Nicky explicit instructions (and demonstrations with neighborhood boys) on how to be great in bed. Anyone who has seen Paris' sex tape knows this can't be true.
There are more, but I'll spare you the BS. I'd love to hear yours, though. What are some crazy celebrity rumors you've heard?