Photo from FOX
Last night's Glee finale included a Journey mash-up, an emotional rendition of "To Sir With Love," and many more surprises. Without further ado, here's our Glee-cap (recap):
Regionals are approaching, and Will Schuester's joy and anticipation are marred by news that Sue Sylvester will be a celebrity judge at Regionals. He storms into Principal Figgins' office, where Sue greets him with "Your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animals to pop out of your head and sing songs about livin' on the bayou." He can't stop this -- she's got Figgins in her polyester track-suit pocket.
Flashback to Puck and Quinn with a bucket of wine coolers. "Trust me," he whispers, as they enter their fatal clinch. Back in the present day, Quinn's in Will's kitchen, a month from her due date. Schuester's got all the kids at his casa on a dark and stormy night, ostensibly to pick a set-list for Regionals -- but they're too depressed and hopeless.
Shue appeals to Emma, who blinks her doe eyes at him and reminds him that singing at Nationals was the happiest moment of his life, win or lose. He experiences a brief ray of happy sunshine, which she immediately craps on by telling him she's dating her dentist.
Will drives home, muffler dragging (literally), and Journey comes on the radio. We don't need a flashback to remember the first song New Directions sang together. Will slows down … and cries like a little girl. OK, so do I.
Finn gives Rachel a talking-to. They need to step up and lead New Directions together! This earns him a smooch. Before they can tell Will their plan, he has a speech for the group. "Who cares what happens when we get there if the getting there is so much fun?" They will do a Journey medley. This stirring speech renders Rachel's unnecessary.
It's Regionals! We follow Shue into the theater. Celebrity judge Josh Groban is in the hizzy. (I sure would love to hate this guy for his crap music, but he's just too hilarious all the time.) The other celebs are Olivia Newton-John and that news-anchor Sue Sylvester "dated." And Sue! In her track suit!
My husband's hometown of Fort Wayne is represented by the "not at all stupidly named" Aural Intensity, who garner favor with their mash-up of Olivia and Josh. The kids are shaky, but Shue reminds them of their secret weapon: Finn's dancing. Buh. Anyway, just as Rachel and Finn are about to go on, she says, "Good luck," to which he responds, "I love you," in his best Han Solo. Oof, the nervousness, it's making my ears hot!
Oh no wait, that's not nervousness. It's me, breaking out into hives because of this Journey medley. I hate Journey. These songs make me feel like I'm slow-dancing with Drew Pennino, the scent of Halston Z-14 burning my nostrils. It's a testament to my love for this show that I sit through these nightmare songs. The kids kill it, though. Rachel's pipes almost undo the damage done to me by Steve Perry's horrendous caterwauling.
OMG QUINN'S MOM!! She's in the audience! And as the kids rush jubilantly offstage, sure they'll win, she buttonholes Quinn backstage to reveal that she's kicked her father out for "having an affair with some … tattooed freak." TEAM SANDRA! Will Quinn come home with her? Quinn's response: "My water just broke."
As Vocal Adrenaline performs "Bohemian Rhapsody (?)" New Directions arrive at the hospital, and Quinn pulls Mercedes into the delivery room. This, if you're keeping track, is when my eyes really start swimming. Show me 1,000 weddings and I will be stone-faced. Show me one terrified, underage girl pushing out a baby, and I'm hysterical (I thought my water was breaking out my eyes during Juno).
Um. Bizarre visual joke: Jesse's head emerging from a circle of jazz hands just as Quinn's baby is crowning. Funny, but … yeek. Quinn is shown holding an adorable 6-month-old newborn.
Rachel congratulates Shelby on Vocal Adrenaline's performance, but undercuts it by pointing out that once the heartless Jesse leaves, they'll be dead in the water, and suggests she join Will in coaching New Directions. But Shelby wants more. A house. A life. A family.
The judges argue. Olivia's a total b-word about the Glee kids ("Are they a poor person's school?" "Brunettes have no place in show business!"), so much so that Sue has to defend them. All three judges gang up on her. Why is she defending this rag-tag bunch? Is it because she, too, is rag-tag, and not even really a celebrity?
Everyone makes it back from the hospital in time for the ceremony. Runners-up: Aural Intensity. And the winners … Vocal Adrenaline. Sexy scoundrel Jesse St. James holds the biggest trophy ever. New Directions didn't even place.
Puck and Quinn gaze at the baby. They won't keep her, but love is in the air. Shelby shows up to ask … which one is yours? Beth. Hmm, I smell an adoption coming on.
What the heck! Bambi, aka Emma, is hollering at the principal! Now she's hollering at Will! Because Glee club is being shut down and it's unfair! Wait, is this really about them? No, she insists, it's strictly about the kids. This earns her an "I love you" and a smooch!
The flowers on her cardigan look like they're about to burst into bloom as Rachel requests Will's presence in the auditorium -- where the kids serenade him with … "To Sir With Love"! Nice touch! The producers of this show are very old. Which I like!
Sue glowers at the back of the auditorium, inscrutable, then gloatingly arrives in the former choir room to taunt him. He just has one question: Okay, they didn’t win, but why didn't they at least come in ahead of Aural Intensity? She snipes that she can say no more than this: Her vote reflected her true feelings about New Directions. Cut to visual of her making out her voting ballot: She had put ND first. Whuh tuh?
She unleashes a string of Sylversterisms at him, including "shoving your face into one of those pink inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph," and finishing with "I've proven that I could wipe you and your glee club off the face of this earth." But what kind of world would that be? Like The Joker, unable to function without his arch rival Batman, she has commanded Figgins to give glee another year. The kids erupt in joy; Shue tells them to take the summer off -- but not before he serenades them back with a uke-tastic "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Hey, I can play that! And sure enough -- Shelby adopts Beth. Future tension. And: scene.
How did you like the finale? Will you watch the reruns over the summer?