'Dancing With the Stars' Winner Is ...

Amy Keyishian
2

Here we are at the final night of Dancing With the Stars. I'm really going to miss you guys. I mean, this … has been … the most special experience … *snf* … cue piano music. So it's down to Nicole Scherzinger, Evan Lysacek, and Erin Andrews.

Okay, first things first: An ersatz-Vegas number. The celebs look like human pizza being hoisted around by graceful waiters. The only one not dancing is Chad Ochocinco, because he hurt himself lifting weights. I know this from Twitter and feel superior.

You know what would be the perfect show for me? Everyone on Real Housewives of New Jersey competing on this show. Just in case you're reading, executive producers.

Here's Brooke Burke and -- it looks like she's hugging bald, tan baby twins. She's really going out with a bang-bang.

First up: The three remaining celebs pick their own dance, and all three choose the Argentine Tango.

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough -- Argentine Tango
Yeah, I hear you, people: Nicole is a professional dancer, so how is it fair that Buzz Aldrin has to compete against her? To which I say: Aren't you tired of crappy dancers? No, seriously, I think the professional athletes have a similar advantage, and nobody complains about them. She could just as easily have been technically great and an emotional mess. Evan's been touring with Stars on Ice, that's dancing. And: Shut up. It's a TV show.

The judges give the dance raves, Len calling it "clean and crisp," and Bruno praising its "devastating intensity." Carrie Ann says, "Each piece is a beautiful masterpiece." Let's just end this now.

Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya -- Argentine Tango
As they discuss what they should do, Evan rejects that futuristic dance because it was a one-off, but I think that was his best one ever. Why? Because he is a robot. But he surprises me with this dance, including a very spinny lift, and it's actually sexier than Nicole and Derek's. Ah, but as the dance ends, so does his brief sojourn into having a personality. Sad.

The judges love this, too, as well they should. Len, on the lift, says, "Don't try it at home. Don’t try it anywhere!" He points out that Evan is the only male celeb left, an interesting point; the male dancers have a different job and they can't just be hucked around like the ladies can. Carrie Ann says this was really their redemption dance. Can't argue with that.

Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy -- Argentine Tango

First, we see them arguing like an old married couple. As they start the dance, Erin is actually smirking self-consciously. They do that lift again -- the one where she jumps onto his face -- and I flinch. I really don't like it. It's hard to say why the whole thing doesn't really work, but this is what I expected.

The judges have high praise for the lift and say this is a tough decision. Well, we all like Erin personally, so sure!

Scores: Erin and Maks: 26, Evan and Erin: 28, Nicole and Derek: 30.

Past celebrities dance: Shannen, Aiden, and Buzz. Snooze, snooze, and -- what's he wearing?! It looks like The Thing ate Neil Diamond's shirt and threw up on him. Did you guys see him on 30 Rock? He yells, "I walked on your face!" at the moon. I love him.

More celebs dance: Jake and his Bachelor fiancee dancing with pros. Can I just take a moment to say I don't get marrying someone you met via a reality show, unless you're Judd and Pam from the third season of The Real World (San Francisco). And this is underwhelming.

There's a roundup of the Top Five Fights of the Season. I can't believe people think these are fights! I will never understand goyim.

Moment of truth: Erin scored too low, the audience votes couldn't save her. She's out. There's a touching roundup of Erin's experience on the show and I feel guilty.

Now it's time for the college dance-offs! Purdue v. Utah Valley. Utah wins, jazz-hands down, though as I've noted, they have a ballroom-dance major. So don't feel bad, Purdue team! You'll all have jobs next year!

And the moment we've all been waiting for: No, not finding out the winners of the competition -- the return of Kate Gosselin. God help us all, she's going to do a paso doble again. She stomps through it, then switches to a little Gloria Gaynor, and then she gets whisked up into the sky on a -- um -- a crane? Is she going to fly on a wire? Is she going to do a trapeze thingy? No, she's just going to … stand there, smiling manically. Did something just go wrong? What am I missing? I feel confused and scared. Mommy?

More celeb dances: Pamela Anderson "wants to make love" to three guys. Niecy Nash has lost weight and says she feels "like a weave on a stick." Do NOT lose any more weight, Niecy! They both look sexy and jiggly.

Okay. We're down to the final dance! Nicole, Derek, Evan, and Anna come out of a ball that descends from the sky like Glinda's bubble (or like the elevator platform at Leonard's of Great Neck -- anybody?).

Nicole and Derek -- Jive
Well, that's over. It was fast and furious; Len just up and says she ought to win. On the way offstage, she hugs Gladys Knight. What a pip!
Score: 30

Evan and Anna -- Quick-Step
For one thing, the dance itself is too jumpy and cutesy for my taste. No passion. The judges are very kind, saying his performance level has caught up with his dancing and he has won the audience's hearts.
Score: 28

And the winner is: Nicole Scherzinger! Told-ya. I think she has an orgasm. They both get lifted upon people's shoulders -- is this a wedding?

I feel so empty.

Did you think Nicole should have won? Does Evan's Olympic medal make up for his loss? How did you like the final episode? Tell us in the comments!

Read More