Kate Gosselin on 'Dancing With the Stars': Tonight She's Baaack!

Amy Keyishian

Sometimes I really hate you people. Do you realize I had carefully timed my coverage of Dancing With the Stars so that I would never have to watch Kate Gosselin?

And now she's going to come back for a final performance, reportedly on a high-wire or trapeze, as we enter the last weeks of the competition. Which means I just went back and watched all her dances, "packages," and interviews. I feel like I want to wash my eyeballs.

Don't ask me why I have such a hate-on for Kate. Really, it's not her fault that she was totally out of her depth both on this show and in the tabloids -- though, it's not like someone made her sell her life to a reality-TV show. I just got really turned off by her bitchy attitude early on, swore off Jon & Kate Plus 8, and was amazed to see how it took off. I really don't like rude people.

Anyway, since she's on her way back, I figured I'd give a recap of Kate on the show, so you don't have to suffer like I did.

Week 1: Viennese Waltz -- Score: 16
This was not nearly as horrible as I had expected. As Carrie Ann pointed out, she's one of the few contestants with no performing or athletic background. She and Tony Dovolani look like one of those wedding couples who choreograph a little dance-performance for their wedding that goes viral on YouTube. Bruno, bless his heart, says, "It looked like Tony was pooshing a shopping cart around," and orders her to develop a persona. Here's the thing: She has a persona, it's "bitchy hausfrau." So either that works for her or it doesn't.

Week 2: Jive -- Score: 15
In rehearsal, Kate complains that Tony, the professional teacher, isn't teaching her correctly, and then is flummoxed when he walks out. Here's the thing. You pull that crap with Jon, and he crumbles and says "yes dear" before passive-aggressively screwing another blonde named Kate. You pull it with a real man, and he pushes back -- she has no experience with this. Meanwhile, she danced like someone's Aunt Sue trying to learn the Electric Slide, her gums flapping more than her feet were moving. "You go through the motion like a Stepford wife," Bruno scolds after revealing he was in the original "I'm Still Standing" video. "You need a acting lesson. You have to perfooooohm." I'm starting to love Bruno.

Week 3: Paso Doble -- Score: 15
Holy mother of God, my skin crawls just watching this. Kate is supposed to summon up emotion for her passionate dance, in which she plays herself face-to-face with the paparazzi. In the runup, we see her struggle with her bottled-up emotions, unable to express herself unless she is punching a bag. In the dance, she tries to use her usual frowny bitch-mask to her advantage -- and fails. Never mind that her steps are like the final stumbling plods of the last woolly mammoth, she's neither in the moment or having fun with this. There's also this gem: "If I'm cooking dinner, you're going to see that on my face, no matter what dance I'm doing." Well … that should be an interesting meal.

Week 4: Tango -- Score: 32 (double-score week)
Again! With the whining! About how hard her life is because she agreed to be on a reality TV show! And the citing of the custody battle! She reminds me of that one girl who dissolves into tears at the back of the bus on the way to the chorus competition, while a small group of similar drama queens huddles around her clutching her hands and telling her she has a GREAT voice. This, then, is her farewell, just as she seems to be catching on: "You actually starting to move out there!" Bruno crows. But it's not enough, and she's sent home -- finally. Of course, Tony told her, "If you fail tonight, he wins." So I guess... Jon wins!

To clear my palate, I watched the lovely Buzz Aldrin waltz. American hero, hard life made harder by his own behavior, which he owns. Whines about nothing. Dances like a really fit 90-year-old, which is pretty effin impressive if you ask me.

Anyway, she's baaack -- tonight. Will she really do a high-wire act? I'll be here to tell you tomorrow. Stay tuned.

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