Here we go! Time to send the 100th celebrity contestant home on Dancing With the Stars. Will it be Erin Andrews or Chad Ochocinco? I wish they'd both go home, and Cheryl Burke would dance with Maksim Chmerkovskiy. But nobody listens to me.
The first finalists guaranteed to stay are Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya. Duh. And Erin literally pouts. Don't worry, Erin. My prediction is that you'll stay ... for one more week.
Now, let's see that Paso Doble again ...
Wampires! Wampires that are also matadors! All this shirtlessness makes me wish they'd get that guy from Rico Suave to be a contestant on this show. Anyway, I think it's so cute how during the dance, Evan is Mr. Dangerous and throws Anna to the floor, ripping his ersatz fangs into her tender neck, and then, when the song ends, he stands up, the perfect gentleman, and helps her to her feet. Gentleman wampire!
Last night we saw the hometowns of the celebrity contestants; tonight we follow the early lives of the pros. First up? Maksim Chmerkovskly. He was born in Odessa, when it was part of the USSR. And then he moved to Brooklyn! Bet you a million dollars he lived in Brighton Beach, just steps from my grandma's place in Sheepshead Bay! I less than three him. <3
And now … Sarah McLachlan sings. Could there be a less likely pairing than Sarah McLachlan and DWTS? I'm imagining ballroom dancing at the Lilith Fair: Young, cute lesbians in overalls, arguing over who's going to lead. The dancers are gorgeous -- amazing what they can do without annoying celebrities messing everything up. The only problem? When I hear Sarah McLachlan sing, I worry that the next thing I'm going to see is a sad, homeless dog.
Cheryl Burke is from here in the Bay Area. I feel like the whole show is about me tonight! There's not much to say beyond that, though. She was super-shy, she took ballet, and then the costumes made her want to ballroom dance. Bet she lived in The Richmond.
And now, Design-a-Dance, with costumes by a dour little man I don't recognize and starring Joey Fatone and Melissa Rycroft. Holy teddy bear, Joey's built like Woz. Does he realize that just last night I saw Chad with his shirt off? They're dancing the tango to Kiss -- it couldn't be more awkward if 900-year-old Gene Simmons himself were dancing it. Hang on, it just got more awkward: Joey Fatone did that Gene Simmons tongue thing. Must … hang … on … almost … over....
Phew. It's time for the college teams to compete. First up, Rutgers! From my home state of New Jersey! Go Scarlet Knights! (Husband: "They're from New Jersey? Where's the hair?" I'm not talking to him.)
Oh dear. The Scarlet Knights may have rehearsed seven hours each night after their regular classes, but the Utah Valley Wolverines actually offer a BA in ballroom dance. They don't have regular classes. This is like the time the kids from Glee came face-to-face with Vocal Adrenaline. Aww, sorry Rutgers. Final score is 21 to 29.
More bios: Anna Trebunskaya is from some crazy city in Russia, where the air was so bad she had asthma. Life was so hard that dance became "a beautiful escape." She has a nice husband she dances with. That's about it.
Derek Hough gives us even less … he grew up in Utah where his four older sisters dressed him up; he took dance because they did. Then, for some reason, he moved to London to dance. Like Peggy Lee says, is that all there is? I guess Utah isn't Odessa.
And here comes miss Miley Cyrus. She "can't be tamed," because she's in a cage with a cast of thousands of hobo cockatiels. This is like the Duran Duran song "Wild Boys" as reinterpreted by a Mad Max movie. Suddenly hay bales roll out of nowhere! Let's dance on them! The new album's out June 22, now you know.
The moment of truth: Nicole is safe, again DUH, and either Erin or Chad will go home. Who's it going to be?
I TOLD YOU! It's Chad! That means no more bling for Cheryl, and no more Cheryl for my husband. Now I feel bad for him again. Also, I'm annoyed I have one more week with Erin. See you next Monday.