Dial 911 for Niecy Nash: Our "Dancing With the Stars" Recap

Amy Keyishian

dancing with the stars niecy nash
Photo from ABC

So before we get to the Dancing With the Stars results for May 11 ... holy mother of God! What's on Brooke Burke's shoulder? It goes all the way across her body like a sash. Like she was voted Miss Fungus of 2010. Maybe she murdered a Rastafarian and is wearing his hair as a pelt. Is it an ammunition belt, like Chewbacca's? Only made of hairballs? I'm frightened. Someone hold me ...

So, I had to sit through 40 minutes of fill before I got to see who got kicked off DWTS, and you're not getting off the hook. Here's what happened:

Chad Ochocinco has been tweeting about how nervous he is about possibly getting cut and going home. I mean, endlessly. Now, see, last week the show made a huge deal out of how insecure Erin Andrews and Nicole Scherzinger are, and how Erin dances worse because of it and Nicole dances better. Lots and lots and lots of shots of them crying. Where's the same embarrassing treatment of Chad?

First, a mini-recap of last night's episode. I could look at Anna's Barbarella outfit all day, and I'm not even a dude.

We see the sexy '50s paso doble again, and again I can't get enough of it. I finally figured out who Derek Hough reminds me of: Jimmy Cagney. It's hard to dance and be masculine -- the old Fred Astaire/Gene Kelly dichotomy: Tall and willowy, or compact and muscular? Derek is all explodey and energetic. Me likey.

Then there's some kind of paso doble that inspired a dance done in Toy Story 3? Who's doing a paso doble in Toy Story, Mr. Potato Head and the Slinky dog? Two guys do a thing with colorful capes that looked like rhythmic gymnastics. Gypsy Kings were great, though.

There's some kind of weird ESPN/football/ballroom-dancing convergence that I don't understand. I think Chad is the fourth football guy to have been on, versus zero baseball guys (paging Derek Jeter!). This episode is dotted with fake "This Is SportsCenter" ads. I want to see the marketing memo on this. Do they really think this is going to get guys to watch? Here's what's going to get guys to watch -- are you listening, ABC? -- more Barbarella outfits. Kay? Now enough with Jerry Rice in a blonde wig. My eyes!

UC San Diego vs. Purdue's dance teams. I get a chopped liver sandwich.

So we're down to the last contestants, and here's how it's going to go: Niecy Nash, Erin, Chad, Evan, and Nicole as the winner. You heard it here first, and dammit, sweet, funny Niecy fulfilled the first part of my prediction this week. Saw it coming, didn't shut my eyes. I have to say that she did amazing, with her jiggly bits and age and experience and whatnot, but she'd come to the end of the road.

Stay tuned -- next week, another elimination. And more Barbarella outfits?

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