Evan Lysacek Scores a Perfect 30: Our "Dancing With the Stars" Recap

Amy Keyishian

Last night on Dancing With the Stars, Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya earned the first perfect score of Season 10 with their Argentinean tango ... but before we get to that, please explain: What the hell is Brooke Burke famous for? She's made of le wood. Seriously, her backstage interviews make that Miss Teen USA contestant look like Cokie Roberts ... 

Chad Johnson Ochocinco had some funny, funny stuff to say about his co-dancers on Team Gaga in the Cha-Cha-Challenge, calling his team, "Pow, Wow, and Daaamn!" Burke's response was: *Blink* *blink* next question ... I'm so not charmed. Not even by the snake around her neck.

Anyway, she's not the main event. The main event is: Cheryl Burke's birthday presents! Holy chrome-dome, she made out like a freakin' bandit! But what would Emily Post say about announcing, via your Twitter feed, the gifts you gave someone else? Is that, you know, gauche?

Okay, no, seriously, but the dancing:

Last week, Pamela Anderson was positively wooden in her salsa. This week she redeemed herself with a sexy waltz, though I was sort of horrified by her performance in the Lady Gaga group number: She couldn't kick high, and she couldn't do the splits. Her legs really did kind of look like Barbie's, and not in a good way. But she's still Pam, and I love her.

The big surprise was Niecy Nash. The Reno 911 funny-lady didn't try to fall back on funny/goofy/silly like Woz did. She really stepped up her game, learned her moves, and proved she can move, which I think is no small feat.

Anyway, it was boring Evan and Anna who scored the highest with a perfect 30 points. Yawn. It's hard to muster up enthusiasm for any pair where I can't figure out, on first glance, which is the celeb and which is the ballroom-dance pro. Okay, so he made no balletic moves. I can do that in my sleep. (Seriously, I sleep more like a Martha Graham dancer.)

The main event tonight was the Cha-Cha-Challenge, featuring Nicole, Pam, and Chad on Team Gaga and Evan, Erin, and Niecy on Team Madonna. Team Gaga kicked all kinds of hiney -- Chad especially shone -- but that could just as easily have been because the Madonna song they picked was "Holiday," which blows chunks compared to "Telephone."

Stay tuned: Tomorrow night's the results show! I'm quaking in my Capezios!

Read More