"Kids' Choice Awards" Not-Drinking Game

Amy Keyishian
2

taylor lautner and kristen stewart
Photo from Nickelodeon
It's time to enter the alternative universe of the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, in which Pall Blart: Mall Cop is a cinematic tour de force and George Lopez gets laughs. Is there any better illustration of why we don't get to vote 'til we're 18?

If you're bent on sharing this experience with your kids this year -- and if you are, you get a Good Mom Cookie --  we want to make it easier on you. Unfortunately, a drinking game is out. (Apparently, getting plotzed in front of your kids is bad for them? Even if it's Chardonnay! Dangit, parenting is hard!)

Anyway, we came up with a compromise: The Snacking Game. Okay, so you'll blow your diet, but you'll get a heck of a sugar high, and the shrieky-teeny awards show will suddenly get a lot more entertaining! So without further ado...

The 2010 Kids Choice Awards Snacking Game

Cookie: A teen girl appears in an outfit that would look more at home on a street corner.

The Whole Box Of Cookies: Your kids express surprise that Jaden Smith's dad is also famous.

Sliver Of Pound Cake: A Glee cast member seems like his or her head's about to pop off.

Clif Bar: Apolo Ohno knocks someone over while doing his slime-stunt, even though he doesn’t have to anymore

Celery Stick: You almost say, "Who the hell is that?!"

Celery Stick with Peanut Butter and Raisins: You actually say, "Who the hell is that?!" And then you feel like the dorkiest parent ever.

A Brownie: Host Kevin James wears a dress, like The Rock did last year (eyes: still burning).

Cookie: A celebrity gets slime on something that looks like it won't come out.

Cookie: Your kids seem to draw a blank when Where The Sidewalk Ends is mentioned, despite you trying to explain it really was awesome in the '70s …

Cookies For Everyone: You all agree that Akeelah and the Bee was pretty awesome.

3 Cookies: One of your kids sees David Spade and asks, "Is that an old kid?"

One Plain M&M: A Jonas brother accepts an award.

One Peanut M&M: The Jonas brother is wearing a warm wooly scarf for no discernible reason.

Calming Glass of Milk: Jack Black acts like an 11 year old who missed his Ritalin.

Cookie Dipped In That Milk: Jim Carrey does the same, but you love him anyway.

Hot Chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps: A former child star shows up and is totally unrecognizable (see: Frankie Muniz or Lucas Black; our guess is Dakota Fanning).

Just The Schnapps: A grownup celeb shows up and you want to say "Holy crap, get that person away from kids!" (see: Slash, Robert Downey Jr., Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, all of the Pussycat Dolls).

More Schnapps: Your son falls eerily silent when Vanessa Hudgens comes onscreen.

A Multivitamin: A male celeb shows up with his kid and you suddenly, secretly, find him even more drool-worthy (last year's winner: Tyrese Gibson).

A Multivitamin And Some Schnapps: You fall eerily silent when one of those Twilight guys comes onscreen.

Cookie: You see sunglasses.

Cookie: You see a faux hawk

Ten Cookies: You hear the word "squeakuel."

Different Cookie: The younger sibling of a kid-celeb shows up, looking uncomfortable.

Eat Everything In Sight Just To Distract Yourself: Miley Cyrus wins "Favorite Female Singer" over Lady Gaga.

What are you looking forward to at this year's awards? What do you remember most fondly/horrifyingly from last year's show?

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