Nigella Lawson’s Husband Turns Himself In for Assault So We’ll Stop Shaming Him

nigella lawsonDidn't you love the way Nigella Lawson's husband Charles Saatchi explained why he was photographed choking his wife? "It was a playful tiff." Yeah right, that's exactly the look I get on my face every time I have a playful tiff, too. Asshole. Well, with an investigation looming, Saatchi decided to do the right thing and turned himself in to the authorities. Sort of. He took what's called a "caution," which is when you voluntarily go in and let the police question you and then you get a finger wagging. And once again, Saatchi's made a weaselly statement of non-guilt.


Although Nigella made no complaint I volunteered to go to Charing Cross station and take a police caution after a discussion with my lawyer because I thought it was better than the alternative of this hanging over all of us for months.

Whatever, man. Nigella may have not pressed charges, but she and the kids just moved out. That's a pretty damning statement about how she really feels about this whole incident. And what is this "hanging over all of US" business? Doesn't Charles mean "hanging over ME"?

You know what's glaringly absent from Saatchi's statement? Any sort of remorse for the humiliation he caused Nigella. Where is the part where you apologize to your wife, Charles? Where? Nowhere, that's where, because you still haven't written it, asshat. So here, let me write it for you:

I would like to sincerely apologize for the pain and embarrassment my actions indisputably caused my wife. While I am still the kind of cad who wants you to believe I was just playing around and meant no real physical harm (or I would have used both hands -- oh wait, I guess I did use both hands a couple times), I recognize that it was a dick move no husband or lover should ever make, in public or in private.

There, that's better. (I'll bill you later -- my fees are very reasonable, you'll find.) Now my worst fear is that Charles is going to the police because he hopes it'll bring about a reconciliation with Nigella. Don't fall for it, N! You're a goddess. You don't have to put up with this shit.

In conclusion: Ugh, Charles Saatchi. You are a festering toxic waste dump.

Do you think Charles Saatchi will ever truly take responsibility for his actions?


Image via Pacific Coast News

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