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    It’s the end of summer and the only thing said around my house more than “I’m hungry” is “I’m bored." The “I’m hungry” doesn’t bother me as much because it’s usually me saying it defensively to my cats while I’m eating chocolate directly out of the refrigerator, but the "I'm bored" is starting to drive me entirely fucking insane.

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    An open letter to very young teenagers wanting babies:


    Just ... no.

    Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you ever even met a baby? Because most of them are assholes and they’re the only variety of people even more moody and cranky than teenagers.

    Look, I know. I know you want a baby because you feel alone and you want someone who will love you and need you. I get that. And that’s why you should go get a puppy. Because puppies are totally glad when you come home to see them. Babies on the other hand aren’t there when you come home from school to see them because they’ve been taken away by child protective services because you can’t just leave babies on the floor while you run to class. This is just one of the many differences between puppies and babies.  

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  • Lesson 36: Choosing to Live Child-Free

    posted by Jenny Lawson June 19, 2012 at 3:12 PM in Baby
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    Right now there’s some minor drama on the Internet about a woman’s right to choose to have a child. You might think I’m talking about “choice vs. life” but that would be far too obvious and actually worthy of argument. Instead the kerfuffle is over the fact that some women are loudly choosing to be childfree.

    I actually have a pretty strong opinion about this.

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    This month a tiny bit of my terrible advice will appear in May’s issue of Redbook.  I know. I don’t understand it either. My guess is that the editor is high. But it’s an excellent opportunity to pimp out my book and to make sure that people do understand the important things you can do for your children.

    The article is called “The 50 Best Things You Can Do For Your Kids” and although I only needed to come up with one I ended up with 10 myself. Because it’s fairly easy to end up with unsolicited advice when you’re a mother. Or when you’ve been drinking. Or both.


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    A year ago I did a post about parenting idioms that needed to updated for 2011. I think it’s about time for the 2012 edition. The first part is the actual idiom/quote. The second part I probably need to apologize for.

    Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation. Which means you just took a lifelong job with no chance of promotion or advancement. Worst. Job. Ever.

    The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants. Or maybe you should clean your room when God tells you to.

    If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. Because raising an eavesdropper is always the way to go.

    What a child doesn't receive, he can seldom later give. Like affection. Or gonorrhea.

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  • Lesson 33: THE SEX TALK

    posted by Jenny Lawson February 16, 2012 at 9:07 AM in Big Kid
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    I know. I don’t want to talk about it any more than you want to read about it but this shit is going to happen so buckle up, buttercup.

    If you have a child, chances are that one day very soon you will have to sit them down and have "THE SEX TALK." Most likely you’ll put it off because they are still far too young to even know what sex is, and occasionally you’re right. I’m 38 and I’m pretty sure my father thinks I’m almost ready for the talk.

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    It’s important to always be an authentic version of you. Unless you’re an asshole.  Then you can be someone else. Although, now that I think about it, there’s only one you so if you’re pretending to be someone else that's an authentic version of you as well. An authentic version of you pretending to be someone else. And now my head hurts. 

     Let’s start again...

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  • Lesson 31: SHUT UP, YOU GUYS

    posted by Jenny Lawson February 2, 2012 at 9:22 AM in Big Kid
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    Normally this column is all about my terrible advice to you on child-rearing. Most people enjoy it or just avoid it but some of you seem intent on calling me out as being a terrible parent in spite of the fact that this column is called "Ill-Advised" for a reason. In fact, I recently got an email implying that I didn't even have a child. Which is ridiculous. I have a 7-year-old named Hailey that I stole so I could write this column in good faith. BECAUSE ETHICS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.

    Also, I stole her from heroin addicts so stop judging me. It took six months just to get her off the horse and she still complains that she has bugs under her skin.  

    In short, I am like some kind of a goddamn saint. But in case you still think I'm lying, I have decided to share an hour in the life of my daughter with you.

    YOU ARE WELCOME AMERICA. And Canada. And ... whoever else is here.

    Let's begin:

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  • Lesson 30: SHARE YOUR PONY

    posted by Jenny Lawson January 27, 2012 at 10:35 AM in Big Kid
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    Manners are incredibly important in today’s society because people who don’t write thank-you notes get smallpox and die. Or at least, that’s what my great aunt told me. Fortunately I seem to be immune to smallpox. One would think my great aunt would be relieved, but instead she just seems to grow more bitter as I tempted fate each year by refusing to write cards.

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    If there's one thing worse than a child who curses, it's a child who curses poorly. That's why this week I decided to focus on teaching your children how to curse properly ... specifically using the F-word.

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About This Column
Jenny Lawson

Jenny Lawson, better known as The Bloggess, is here at The Stir to dole out parenting advice on some of moms' most annoying problems. But beware, Jenny doesn't mince her words, is not qualified in any way to give advice, and has the ability to make you laugh so hard that any liquid you might be consuming is in danger of shooting out through your nose. 

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