My son has a case of IDWS (I Don Wanna-gota Skools). You know that illness that causes you to try any tactic to avoid the dreaded S-word?

Just today, he told me that he couldn't go to school because his stomach hurt ... and his leg ... and his elbow ... and he may have had a nasty hang nail .... REALLY? This is what you're going with? The old stomach/leg/elbow ache? Listen kiddo, I invented the 'sick' ploy and frankly, I expected more from you. So much more.

Look kids, don't act like you're disappointed too. I've got your number and I'm pretty sure my kid isn't the only one relying on such amateur techniques. Which is why I decided (as a seasoned pro) to give you youngsters some sound advice so you can stop embarrassing yourselves and make us proud.

These tips will help you gain your parent's sympathy and maybe even regain their respect. Good luck:

During a spa trip for my 40th, it became apparent that when seven moms get together for some R&R, they become alarmists. Yep, we spent much of our "relaxation" time discussing what to avoid and how it could kill you.

I know, you totally want to party with us.

We couldn't even escape our cynical chit chat by catching a flick on pay-per-view. Who was going to risk their lives and touch the germ-laden hotel remote? Someone also mentioned that one should avoid handling menus. Needless to say, this made ordering dinner quite difficult. Thankfully, it didn't hamper the flow of sarcasm and margaritas (my favorite combo).

After my vacay I posted, "A Sarcastic Look at 19 Common Things That'll Kill Ya" and was relieved to learn that I'm not the only lame-o who sits around discussing this crap. So, here's a list of more everyday things I've actually been told to avoid, just don't quote me on the effects.

Reading this list can cause ironic revelations, incontinence, and typhoid:

My husband was offended by last week's column on what those candy sweethearts should REALLY say. Well, maybe not so much "offended" as defeated.

Since I was suggesting we replace "BE MINE?" with "R THOSE UR TOENAILS?" he assumed I wasn't that into it, and suggested we just skip the whole thing.

There is only one reply to this: No FREAKIN' WAY!

So maybe our pillow talk isn't what it used to be and I totally get that V-day is a Hallmark holiday. But even a cliche, revenue-driven holiday is a great excuse to enjoy a meal that doesn't involve a kiddie menu or cutting someone else's meat or having to ask "Who keeps kicking me?" 50 times. I wish Hallmark would make up more occasions to celebrate with a card and a romantic dinner, like:

Recently, I wrote a post about the phrases we all heard growing up and swore we would never repeat. It made me realize that 1) I have truly become my mother, and 2) we all speak in a similar "Mommy" code language.

Let's be honest, there are a myriad of things we say when we really mean something else.

So here's a handy translation of some of the most common "Mom" terms and phrases:

About a year ago I wrote a mother-in-law-nup (MIL-nup), so that one could comfortably hand their sweet boy over to some son-stealing Jezebel. Clearly, I'm still bitter, but it made me realize that there should be "nups" for lots of things.

Like email and social networking. I'm not talking about the spammers who seem quite certain I have a small penis, I'm lonely, I could use Prozac and Cialis, and I should get said drugs from Canada.

No, I can forgive the Internets, but what I cannot forgive is the annoying emails and Facebook requests from my supposed friends and family. You guys are on shaky ground, which is why I've written this "e-nup," and I say everyone signs!

I hereby decree that:

After writing a recent post on things I'd never know if I weren't a Gen Xer, I came to realize that I'm some kind of Generation X genius. I mean, I could be the "Rain Man" of the Gen X set. Seriously, throw some quotes on the floor, I'll tell you who said them. OK, that test may not work as well as it does with toothpicks in the movie.

But I now see that I'm somewhat stuck in the '80s, and I kinda like it there. So I thought I'd share some of the most random stuff I remember as a Gen X poster child.

Woman 1: Ow, oh, ow ow! Please wait (exasperated)! Let me take a breath.

Woman 2: Give her a sec, Doctor, she almost squeezed my hand off.

Holy shit, what is she doing in there, an amputation?

Cosmetic Dermatologist: Did you have a natural childbirth?

Woman 1: I don't have children.

Cosmetic Dermatologist: Well, when you do, go natural. It'll boost your pain threshold, prepare you for stuff like this. Now, hold still, just seven more.

Seven more?! Of what ... blood sucking leeches to the face? I don't think she can take it. Frankly, I don't know if I can take it. Why am I still sitting here on the table in the room next door? Is looking young that important?

I was getting ready to go out on New Year's Eve, a night I think we can all agree warrants a little more bling than the other 364 days of the year, when my 8-year-old daughter walked into my closet.

"Mommy, you look snazzy!"

"Snazzy, huh? That's a good word. I feel snazzy."

G-d, that kid is cute, I thought to myself, as I slipped on my snazzy stilettos.

"Yeah, Mom, you look like a hooker!"

Here's where you should insert the sound effect of a record being scratched to a halt, in the middle of a beautiful ballad.

"I'm sorry, what?"