When I found out that my last child was a girl, I cried. I might have TOLD you it was allergies or dust or something, but that'd have been a lie. I cried because I was so grateful that I'd have a chance at having a daughter. A girl of my own. Something I never thought I'd have.

This is what I want her to know.

When I started having kids, it wasn't for the fame and glory. It wasn't for the sleepless nights or oh-so-glamorous stretch marks.

No.

I had kids so I could buy them all of the cool crap my parents never bought me.

I'm the first one to admit that I had kids and settled down pretty early.

My first was born when I was 21 and my second when I was 25. I got married before my friends, did the baby thing before my friends, and I never thought it would change our relationship.

It did.

Here's what I wish I'd told them.

That dumb commercial "having a baby changes everything" drives me bonkers every time it flashes onto my television screen, causing me to scream (at least, in my head), "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" 

There were a lot of things I expected going into the parenting gig -- poopy diapers, jars of creepily-colored baby food, sleepless nights. But there are a select few things I'd never, EVER stopped to consider before popping three kids out of my delicate lady-bits.

Here they are.

Now, I know -- the woman is clearly a saint. She adopts kids from around the world. She works tirelessly to bring to light all of the horrible monstrosities that occur around the world. Honestly, we should just rename her "Mother Teresa" and be done with it all.

I want so badly to love her, and yet...I can't.

Here's why.

There's no end to the competition of parenthood. The way some people treat parenting, it's an extreme cage match. Not me, though. Through parenting special needs kids to birthing a child with a nearly-always-fatal birth defect, I've learned that parenting, like anything else, should be a live and let live.

I stopped judging people for sport eight -- or so -- years ago. It just seems so pointless to spend my precious time thinking about other people and how much better I am than they are. I'd rather sit around watching dancing cat videos than get all "Parenting: U R Doing It Wrong."

So I've let myself go -- and now I am one of those "bad parents." Here are some of the things I do:

My 3-year-old daughter is convinced she's royalty. I'm not sure that "princess" would be her choice though -- she'd probably prefer to be known as "king," which only means that she's my daughter. Why be a lowly princess when you can rule the world?

*happy maternal sigh*

Kids, man.

The thing I'm not into, though, is all these kids' activities. When I was a kid, my "activities" included my own mother booting me outside, the click of the lock behind me my only cue that it was time to make my own fun. So I did.

But now? Every parent I know is all, "dance class this" and "soccer practice that." And you know what? I hate it. 

Here's why.

Kids say the darndest things, don't they? Every time I turn around, one of my children is saying something or another that has me in hysterics or tears - they're just that weird.

Earlier we talked about things teens say, but sometimes, a very few times, my preschoolers say things that I never, EVER want to hear.

Here are the top ten things you NEVER want to hear from your preschoolers mouth.