Joan Rivers' Best One-Liners About Motherhood

joan rivers and melissa rivers

Over the course of her decades-long career, Joan Rivers graced us with countless zingers, sassy one-liners, and celebrity jokes that would make the faint-of-heart squirm. But Rivers -- who passed away yesterday after complications during surgery -- had a relationship with her daughter Melissa that was legendary in the mother/daughter realm. They worked together, they co-starred on multiple shows, and they seemed to be just as close off-screen. So naturally, Joan had something to say about it! Melissa has asked the world to keep on laughing, despite her mother's passing ... so here are Joan Rivers' best quotes on motherhood and parenting so you can do just that:

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  1. "My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day, and I call her every day, and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you're there.'"
  2. "Grandchildren can be f---ing annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."
  3. "A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon." 
  4. "Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"
  5. “Since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest -- most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.”
  6. “The only time [my daughter, Melissa] really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.”
  7. “Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own."
  8. "My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller."
  9. "My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth, he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."
  10. “When I was pregnant I was sitting with a very famous actress on the playground. The child fell and ran to the nanny. At that point, I decided my child would always run to me. We had dinner together every night, and every night I put a line in my book at 6 p.m. and that was it."

Which Joan Rivers quote is your favorite?


Image via Christopher Polk/Getty Images

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