Katie Holmes Joins the PTA -- Oh, to Be a Fly on the Wall

Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Katie Holmes, the woman once called the Audrey Hepburn of her generation, has ... wait for it ... joined the PTA at daughter Suri's school!

Sources say this is Katie's way of throwing herself completely into her daughter's life, and I say good for her. Every teacher I've ever met has said that the best way to improve your child's chance of success in school is to be an involved parent.

But, ooh, to be a fly on the wall at that PTA meeting. Can you just imagine how those conversations are going down? I can.


Picture it. Katie walks in, all long-legged gazelle-like, wearing jeans to try to fit in but still looking better than anyone is supposed to look in a pair of jeans. Over in the corner is a coffee klatch of women. You know the type: Christmas sweaters that aren't matchy matchy but close enough. Jeans from Lands' End because, OMG, they are sooo comfortable.

From across the room, Katie can already hear the discussion about whether little Barbara Ann should be independently tested for the gifted program because Lawd KNOWS you cannot trust the useless woman here. Don't you know that she does not even have kids?

Then one of them spots her. She tries to whisper to her friend but doesn't really whisper, "Isn't that?" And said friend not whispers back, "Yes! Her little Suri is in my Janie's class, and I've been waiting to get the playdate invite because, OMG, can you imagine?"

Another one leans over to her friend and whispers (no, really, this time), "Aww, she's probably scared. I'm going to go say hi."

And she scrambles over, falling over herself like a newborn puppy so filled with good intentions that it's obvious that she is that woman who is nice to everyone, even that mom who everyone knows has vodka in the "water" bottle she won't put down.

"Hi," she sings. "I'm Carol! My daughter Alexis is in Suri's class, and I volunteer three days a week. Can I just say she is a DOLL? Must take after her mother, right?"

And there, Katie stands, like a deer caught in the headlights. "Well," she says, graciously. "Thank you."

And then Carol keeps on going. "Pardon me for being nosy, but I know you are a single mom these days, and can I just say I soooo respect what you are doing. I mean, I'm all exhausted after a full day with her, and I have a husband! I mean, I barely get her in bed in time to watch Glee with a glass of wine! How do you even do it? WHAT do you even do at night?"

And Katie just doesn't know what to say, but finally she's honest. "Oh, I so know what you mean! Last night it was just Michelle and Jason over talking about how we're going to get this Dawson's Creek reunion off the ground. And then Josh dropped by, and we were finally getting somewhere, and I realized what time it was! I had to run out of there to get to my dressing room for my show. It's totally crazy!

"And then last night, oh my God, Suri wrote ANOTHER letter to Santa. It's probably her fourth by now. Do your kids do this? And this one doesn't have the Gucci boots I already had the nanny wrap! It's like she's already forgotten about them! So I'm going to have to give them to one of my nieces and go out and try to find someone who will fly a pony out to Ohio for Christmas -- because you know we're going to my parents' for the holidays -- and then bring it back to New York afterward. And hire a stable boy! And it's almost Christmas!

"Who has time for all this? I mean, I just barely made it here after a meeting with my lawyer about how to make sure Tom doesn't try to take Suri to planet Xenu during his visit with her this holiday. We totally put the kibosh on that.

"But really, enough about me. What can I do to help here? I was thinking bake sales! I know the owner of Magnolia Bakery; maybe we have her truck in a few thousand cupcakes? Who doesn't love cupcakes? What do you think?"

Hey, at least that's one PTA meeting I would show up for! It wouldn't be boring!

Are you a member of the PTA? What would you do if Katie joined the ranks?


Image via Pacific Coast News

Read More >