Beyonce's Rocking Body vs. My Own Postpartum Belly (Yikes!)

So, have you seen the photos of Beyonce that are currently burning up the Internet? Judging by the images captured of her appearance at a fundraising dinner Monday night, Beyonce has defied the laws of postpartum-dom—nay, the very laws of PHYSICS AS WE KNOW THEM—by looking gorgeous, fit, well-rested, and astoundingly flat-bellied ... two months after giving birth.

I know there have been a bunch of weird rumors that Beyonce used a surrogate and faked her entire pregnancy, and I'm definitely not hitching my wagon to that particular craziness. Nor am I begrudging her the discipline it took to lose the weight, the professional assistance she likely had, or the industrial-strength shapewear she was probably wearing under that amazing Victoria Beckham dress.
 
I AM, however, saying that Beyonce's postpartum midsection looks exactly as realistic to me as that $3,500 Lucite crib she reportedly bought. Which is to say: ONLY IN LA-LA LAND.

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Look, I know there are women who bounce right back after giving birth. Just because I, personally, looked like Jabba the Hut during the postpartum weeks doesn't mean other people can't slip into their favorite jeans as soon as the cord is cut, damn you all straight to hell.

However, in my experience, even the ladies who have zero trouble immediately shedding any excess baby weight still complain that their body has been ... you know, rearranged. The topography has shifted. Body parts don't quite look like they used to.


For me, I was dismayed to see that there was a stubborn sort of protuberance that clung to my waistline. Two months after I had my second son, my pants fit just fine in the leg area, but my belly still looked about four months pregnant. Eventually my Budda belly receded, and after months of exercise and watching what I ate, I even developed a faint ab or two, but during that postpartum period, the only way I could have wrestled that mess into a fitted outfit is with a hydraulic machine of some kind. This wasn't a Spanx situation, is what I'm saying.


In fact, I even have photo documentation of my two-months-after-birth belly. Behold the magic:

 

Aaaaaaaaand then there's Beyonce:


What I really love about contrasting these two images is how utterly glamorous and well-groomed and slender and immaculate she is, and how in my photo, not only is my belly hanging out of some old yoga pants, but there's all this clutter of piled-up laundry in the background along with a stroller. Fancy!

At any rate, kudos to Beyonce for looking that amazing two months after having a baby. The rest of us mere mortals raise a glass—excuse me, a dingy sippy cup—in your honor.


Could you have pulled off a form-fitting dress two months after giving birth? (Would you have even wanted to try?)

 

Image via Splash News

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