Parenting

Woman Called Out by SIL for Not Being Sad Enough About Her Own Miscarriage

ParentingPublished May 3, 2020
By Devan McGuinness
Woman arms crossed sitting on the bedMangoStar_Studio/iStock

Miscarriage is an unfortunate reality for many women. Whether the pregnancy was planned or a surprise, statistics show that 10-15% of pregnancies end early due to miscarriage. The grief that is felt after a loss is complicated and very individual. Some feel the loss profoundly, others don’t, and there is no right or wrong way to feel, either. But trying to tell a person who just lost a pregnancy how to feel is never OK.

These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.

One woman took to Reddit to ask about a situation that happened in her family after she miscarried and was told she wasn’t sad enough.

A Redditor took to the popular subreddit AITA to ask about a situation that happened between herself and her sister-in-law. Shew wrote, “I miscarried ten weeks into an unplanned pregnancy. At that time, my fiance and I were engaged didn't plan to have kids until at least five years later, so learning that I was pregnant was a happy surprise.”

“When I lost the baby, I can't explain it, but I didn't really get sad,” she explained further. “Maybe it was because it happened just a few weeks after we found out so my pregnancy hadn't really sunk in to me yet, or maybe it was because my pregnancy wasn't something that we wished for a long time before it happened. I honestly just felt like yeah, I was pregnant for a few weeks and now I'm not. Life goes on.”

A few weeks after her loss, she was invited to her SIL, Ana’s house, where her fiance’s whole family was in attendance.

The OP says that before dinner, her SIL pulled her aside to speak to her in private. She “said that they were going to announce that she is expecting, and she wanted to let me know first because she knows that I just had a miscarriage and their news might make me uncomfortable.” According to the woman, “I assured her that I was fine and was happy for her and thanked her for thinking of me.”

During the dinner, Ana announced she was pregnant when her other sister-in-law, Chloe, grabs her hand and asks if she’s OK.

“I told her that I was alright. She said that it's okay to take a few moments to myself if I need to and I don't have to pretend to be fine if I'm not because everyone understands that moving on from a miscarriage is a process and takes time,” OP explained.

But Chloe didn’t know that Ana had previously spoken to her, so she was prepped before the announcement.

"Chloe was shocked and said that maybe my hormones are still all over the place, but I shouldn't say that I'm not sad about losing my child," OP wrote.

The women goes on to say that the baby she lost “her-would-have-been nephew, and my in-laws' would-have-been grandchild.” At this point, her fiance’s mom stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. However, OP’s fiancé thought it would be better to leave. He “said that maybe we should call it an evening and talk some other time. He lead me out and we left.”

OP took to Reddit to ask if she was in the wrong for saying that she was OK and the community chimed in.

“NTA,” one user wrote. “When there’s a miscarriage, the mother and the father get to feel however the hell they feel, and no one is entitled to judge them for that. This was your pregnancy, your loss, and they can get bent for attempting to dictate your feelings about it all.”

Another pointed out, “you are cursed if you care too much and you are cursed if you dont care much at all, you cant win so say and do what makes you comfortable.” While another comment pointed out that no one was trying to be cruel here, writing, “i think NAH, they family was trying to be respectful and it doesn't sound like anyone is trying to be hurtful here. I think them leaving the situation before it escalated further was the adult thing to do.”

Others felt that it was more than just a misunderstanding.

A Reddit user wrote, “There’s a different between trying to be respectful, and forcing what they think is respectful down somebody else’s throat.” Adding, “It’s almost like they were expecting her to just start bawling when she heard the news and then got offended when OP didn’t make a scene. They even went back after to try and coax her into being upset, like what the h*ll?”

And another pointed out that the family wasn’t respectful. “They were respectful at first. Pulling OP aside was a kind gesture for sure,” a comment read. Adding, “However, when OP was saying that she'd accepted her loss and was okay with it, their reaction was ‘HOW SELFISH TO NOT ALSO MOURN THE LOSS THAT THIS FAMILY HAS SUFFERED THROUGH YOU?’ They started out off well, but by the end of it they made it pretty clear that they were only interested in acknowledging the ‘right’ feelings and saw her as less of an individual and more of an incubator.”

And another pointed out that the OP’s family started off doing the right thing and should have left it at that. “People process grief and emotions very differently. Just because you didn’t react the way they expected doesn’t make you an [expletive],” the commenter said. “They were right to ask you about your feelings before the announcement, and nothing is wrong with the way you responded.”

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