Here's How to Prepare for an Impending Beyonce-Apocalypse

This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. Ladies, get into formation. It's very likely (like, I'd bet money on it) that Beyonce will be dropping an album soon. It may even be a visual album. Here's how you can prepare. 


Do you remember back to super-early Friday morning on December 13 of 2013? I mean, how could any of us forget? Where were you? You were probably cozily sleeping in bed -- that is, until you heard the sirens go off from the Beyhive that the queen had dropped a new album, and you jerked awake from your dreamtime and then spent the next year playing every song over and over again and wondering if you should take up rollerskating. 

It was so stressful! None of us were prepared! But listen, Bey, we are not playing with you this time and we will not be caught off guard again. Here's what we need to do to prepare for the upcoming Beypocalypse. 

Download Tidal 

Because Bey just happens to be married to that dude who just happens to own Tidal, everyone is basically saying that Beyonce's next album will be a Tidal exclusive, at least at first. So you can do what I do (steal your man's log-in information) or DL Tidal for a 30-day free trial, which will give you enough time to hear the new album, because it's rumored to drop before her world tour starts April 27. 

Plan on Calling in Sick to Work 

If this is like last time, you won't be sleeping at all if the album drops at midnight. And last time it dropped on a Friday, so you will be wrecked all day. Actually, to be safe, we should all take the entirety of April off just in case, because we have no idea when this will happen. Simply call your boss on the morning of April 1 and say, Good Morning! I am taking April off! 

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Prepare Delicious Snacks

We aren't going to have time for boring stuff like food preparation or grocery shopping, so put the Seamless app on your cell and get thee to your local Costco to stock up on those gigantic cartons of Goldfish crackers and bottles of wine. The queen wouldn't want us going hungry while being obsessed with her album.

Send Your Family Away for the Month of April

I was going to suggest hiring a nanny for the month of April, but that shiz will get expensive. It's a better idea just to send your partner and your kids packing so you won't be interrupted from your Bey-worship with questions like "Can you help me with my homework?" and "Where do we keep the fire extinguisher?" and "Mommy, why are you dancing all crazy?" 

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Write Some Facebook Posts in Advance 

You don't want to fall completely off the face of the earth, and you also want your FB friends to know that you, too, are enjoying the new Beyonce, so I suggest getting out your pad of little pink post-its and preparing some updates in advance, so you can just quickly type them out and not have to worry about being distracted. Some examples -- and feel free to use these -- are: 

  • Yaaaaaaaaaas. 
  • This slays. Beyonce slays. 
  • This is giving me liiiiiiiiife. 
  • Sorry I missed your birthday BUT Beyonce!!!!!!!!!
  • Aww, cute pic, she is getting so big, back to Beyonce!!!!! 
  • No, Mom, my cell is not broken, Beyonce!!!! 

I hope this all helps you prepare for the upcoming Bey-apocolypse. This has been brought to you by The Stir Incorporated, supporting the Beyhive since Dangerously in Love 2002™. You're welcome. 


Image via Splash News/Corbis

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