Tom Cruise Reacts to Crazy Accusations in Scientology Documentary 'Going Clear'

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Unless you're living under a WiFi-less rock, you've most likely heard about HBO's horrifying Scientology documentary Going Clear, which debuted last night. And if you watched the film, your head is probably swimming with the magnitude of terrifyingly awful allegations made against the Church -- but that's nothing compared to the way Tom Cruise (who was at the center of many of those allegations) must be feeling today.

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Indeed, the movie -- which is SO shocking HBO reportedly hired 160 lawyers to protect themselves from the inevitable backlash -- doesn't do much for Cruise's reputation. In fact, so many damaging things were said about the actor and his chosen faith that it's hard to imagine how Cruise could ever respond to the following career-damaging allegations ... except, okay, it's not actually that hard to imagine, because we did it! Here are some possible reactions from Scientology's "top gun" to the most disturbing revelations in Going Clear:

1. Tom Cruise allegedly had the church wire-tap Nicole Kidman's phone.

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Tom says: Hey, sometimes a lady just won't give up her secrets. What's a husband to do, amirite guys??

2. Church members were forced to work for Tom Cruise for 40 cents an hour.

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Tom says: What, those weren't interns? 

3. Scientology is said to have had a "prison camp" where wayward members were forced to do hard labor for 30 hours at a time and sleep on dirty, wet mattresses.

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Tom says: Prison camp, shmrison camp. Hard work builds character!

4. The Church supposedly spent over $20,000 grooming young actress Nazanin Boniadito to be Cruise's new girlfriend.

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Tom says: Look, not everybody is worth jumping on a couch over, okay?

4. The Church has allegedly been gathering damning info on John Travolta for years to blackmail him with in case he ever tries to leave.

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Tom says: Travolta? What could they possibly have on Travoltahahahahahaha!!!

5. In the 70's, the Church apparently encouraged members to get jobs in the IRS and Department of Justice so that they could steal government documents.

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Tom says: This is just ... I can't even.

6. Church members were once allegedly thrown overboard from L. Ron Hubbard's ships as punishment.

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Tom says: If people can't learn how to swim, that's their own fault. 

More from The Stir: Tom Cruise's Jaw-Dropping Admission Is Scientology's Worst Nightmare

7. L. Ron Hubbard's second wife says he kidnapped their daughter and told her he cut her up into "little pieces" before admitting she was alive.

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Tom says: Are you sure this is something you feel qualified to discuss?

8. The Church of Scientology is worth about $1.5 billion.

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Tom says: And the problem is ... ?

9. Members who leave are forced to "disconnect" from family and friends who stay in the church.

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Tom says: Whatever, only until they're reunited in the glorious kingdom of Xenu.

10. Scientology views homosexuality as a "disease."

Tom says: If it's a disease, I guess I'm lucky I never caught it, heh heh! Or Travolta! Definitely not Travolta. No diseases for us. Maybe YOU have it. How about that, huh? Maybe YOU have the disease. Because I for one do not. Neither does Travolta. Did I say that already?

How do you think Tom Cruise would react to some of the allegations in the Going Clear documentary?

 

Image via Getty Images AsiaPac

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