13 Times Jon Stewart Shut It Down With a Perfectly Crafted Rant (PHOTOS)

Love him or hate him, Jon Stewart has a knack for some pretty epic throwdowns. He may be stepping down from The Daily Show after 17 years, but we hope that whatever he ends up doing next (NBC Nightly News?), he never loses his ability to craft a perfect rant.

Here are 13 times Jon Stewart threw it down.

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1. The time he slammed HealthCare.gov's sign-up rates.

Oh my God, less than 10 percent? How bad is that? Twenty percent is the number of dentists who recommend sugared gum. How low is it? According to a recent poll, more of this country believes Obamacare has been repealed than have been able to sign up for Obamacare. The whole point of web sites is to design them so that it is nearly impossible to not sign up for something. Every time I go on Amazon there's a 40 percent chance I'll mistakenly overnight myself six seasons of Night Court. It's just the way it’s designed. "Are you sure you want to leave this page?" Yes I am -- oops, turns out I ordered something. So how are the Democrats going to spin this turd?

 

2. The time he went off on Chicago-style deep dish pizza.

Deep Dish Pizza is not only not better than New York pizza, it's not pizza. It's a fucking casserole ... This is not pizza, this is tomato soup in a bread bowl. This, is in an above ground marinara swimming pool for rats. Let me tell you something about your fucking not pizza, I wanna know, when I get drunk and pass out on my pizza that I'm not gonna drown ...

... Here's how you know I'm right, you call it Chicago style pizza you call it Deep Dish Pizza, stuffed pizza, you know what we call it you know what we call this, know we call this? Pizza.

 

3. The time he ripped the media for spreading Ebola panic.

[The news] started the day like this, "Oh yeah, we're all gonna die! Kiss your ass goodbye mother-f--kers! You're about the bleed out your a--hole!" They've drunk so much doomsday juice.

 

4. The time he slammed Michael Vick's second "sport."

It turns out he also is, uh, involved in the sport of dog fighting -- he calls it a sport! Aghh ... I'd like to cover him in liver and let the dogs see if he's as fast and elusive as they say he is. My guess is no ... I have to say ... being a two-sport athlete ... it's not really as impressive as the Bo Jackson thing.

 

5. The time he won the War on Christmas.

Every public space in the country looks like it got hit with a 500 pound tinsel bomb. The White House looks like a yuletide episode of Hoarders. Fox News itself is located in midtown Manhattan, the epicenter of all that is Godless, secular, gay, Jew-y, and hell-bound. And yet, even here, all around your studio, it looks like Santa's balls exploded.

 

6. The time he killed CNN's Crossfire by questioning its existence while appearing as a guest.

Can I say something very quickly? Why do we have to fight? ... Why do you argue -- the two of you? I hate to see it ... I made a special effort to come on the show today because I have, privately, amongst my friends, and also an occasional newspaper, and television shows, mentioned, uh, this show as being, um, bad. I felt that that wasn't fair, and I should come here and tell you that ... it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America ... here's want I wanted to tell you guys: Stop.

 

7. The time he called Sarah Palin out as a self-proclaimed victim.

Is it possible, Governor, that you have become a lightning rod less for your clarity and vision, but more for your ability to turn any criticism of you into persecution of you, while still very casually being able to dismiss a pretty large portion of America?

 

8. When he slammed big banks for the foreclosure crisis.

Those [banking] companies came to us and said, "If you don't give us $700 billion, everything you love and hold dear in this world will turn to Tang, the orange juice substitute once drunk by astronauts." JP Morgan got $25 billion, Bank of America got $45 billion, GMAC got $16 billion -- everybody was getting billions of dollars. And in return for in this in-no-way-ransom money, the American people would now be the proud owner of these bales of (expletive). I'm sorry, troubled assets.

 

9. When he slammed President Obama's absence from the Paris rally in honor of those murdered at Charlie Hebdo.

How can Obama not be there? Look at how many world leaders he could have bowed down to and apologized. He missed an opportunity ... How can the U.S. not be there when representatives from of such beacons of freedom and lack of censorship as journalist-punishing Russia was there? Journalist-jailing Turkey was there. Egypt -- enough said ... What the f--k? Eric Holder, you were in France! In Paris! At the time of the march and were like, eh? ... Unbelievable! An enormous global rally in supporting freedom of expression after an attack on a close ally and the U.S. was a no-show? It's going to take a lot to make up for this.

 

10. The time he mocked Glenn Beck's overly dramatic, doomsday intros to his show.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Over the past two years I have always promised you that if anything were going to happen that would threaten your very existence on this planet I’d let you know about it in a melodramatic way. Signified in part by changes in seating and lighting. And I would use some unusual camera angles. I always told you, when the day came, when the day came that I would warm you of the impending doom of our species, you would know that I was telling you the truth not because I have told you the truth in the past, I haven’t… not because I know what the truth is, I don’t. But because I would tell it to you while wearing glasses. Well, ladies and gentlemen, these are those glasses.

 

11. The time he said Brian Williams had "infotainment confusion syndrome" based on which way his head was turned.

We got us a case here of infotainment confusion syndrome. It occurs when the celebrity cortex gets its wires crossed with the medulla anchordala ... The celeb-rellum [gets activated when the head is turned] .... That's known as the brain's applause center ... Once that engages, there's no going back -- you're in full-blown anecdote mode. The truth of what a reporter is saying is all in the direction their face is turned.

 

12. When he called out George W. Bush's lack of leadership during Hurricane Katrina.

This is inarguably a failure of leadership at the top level of the government. Remember when Bill Clinton ... uh ... went out with Monica Lewinsky? That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for this behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now, and I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is this: hundreds of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina.

 

13. When he questioned Mike Huckabee's disapproval of Beyonce.

You have this idea of the Hollywood culture, and the example you used, Jay Z and Beyonce ... you view that as a sort of a permissiveness that you think is ... not great for our children ... here's [your] blind spot  ... (clip shown of Huckabee playing bass for Ted Nugent) ... That is a song called "Cat Scratch Fever" ... That ain't about bacteria ... Do you see my point? You excuse that type of crudeness because you agree with his stance on firearms. You don't approve of Beyoncé because she seems alien to you. Johnny Cash shot a man just to watch him die -- that's some gangsta shit!"

What's your favorite Jon Stewart throwdown?

 

Image via The Daily Show

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