Johnny Depp is Marrying Amber Heard Because She Knows What He Really Wants

Johnny DeppJohnny Depp is engaged to a woman half his age, when he never got engaged to the woman who had his two children, and as Church Lady would say, Isn't that special? We heard that maybe he never married his French baby mama Vanessa Paradis because, gee, she never wanted to get married ... but maybe that's because she thought Johnny wouldn't just run off with some young costar? Isn't that special. But now there's a report as to why Johnny wants to marry Amber Heard and, you know, presumably that's somehow related to why he wouldn't marry the mother of his freaking kids.


People magazine reports that, according to some source who claims to know Johnnykins, he wants to marry Amber because:

She's a great match for him and his individuality. She's a free spirit.

Let me translate for you. Johnny won't mind if he sleeps with other women. Okay, I'm just making that up. But "individuality" sounds like a code word for "non-exclusivity" and "free spirit" a euphemism for "She's gonna do what she wants and let him do what he wants," i.e. sleep with other women. See how I've got this figured out?

Evidence: Amber is bisexual -- or at least used to be -- and maybe Johnny thinks (or maybe he knows) that the good times can roll in their marriage. Hey, save your hate letters, people. I know people who are bisexual and got married and they can't just sleep with other people. This is just my personal theory on Johnny and Amber, 'kay?

Because Johnny never married Vanessa. This galls me. It galls me that he runs off and gets engaged to the first woman he dates after her -- a woman young enough to be his daughter.

I don't know if Vanessa is galled. I'm galled for her. Well, let's see if Amber sticks around when Johnny needs his hip replacement.

Do you think Johnny and Amber will last?

Image via Michael Buckner/Getty

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