Joseph Gordon-Levitt Destroys All Our Dreams With One Shocking Announcement

Joseph Gordon-Levitt You guys, I received some intensely distressing personal news today. It's difficult to sit here and write about my feelings, since it's all still so raw and devastating, but I'm convinced it's the only way I can start the healing process. Jesus, the crippling pain is almost too much for me to type the words ... but *deep breath* here goes: actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a girlfriend.

A girlfriend who is not me.

Perhaps you are also experiencing a measure of sorrow from this announcement. Allow me to pass you a tissue, so that we may both blot our bitter, bitter tears -- and set our minds to the task of discovering who this mysterious devil-woman may be.


Here's what we know about her:

• She's not in show business.
• They met through mutual friends.
• She clearly had no idea that I've nursed an massive crush on JGL for years, or she would have BACKED THE EFF OFF.

All joking aside, it's actually sort of interesting that the notoriously private Gordon-Levitt divulged this information, because he's been fairly prickly about being questioned about this love life in the past. In fact, he flat-out refused to disclose his sexual orientation in a recent interview with Out magazine, saying it would be "tacky" to clarify whether he was straight or gay.

Whatever his personal preferences may be, he was a little more forthcoming to Howard Stern on Tuesday:

I have a girlfriend but I tend not to really like to talk about it in public. She is not in show business. The girl I'm with, she really doesn't want to be part of it. You can imagine not wanting to have that kind of scrutiny.

He also said that the reason he likes keeping his personal life out of the tabloids is for professional reasons:

I get up in movies and I play other people, so when the audience is watching me in movies, I don't want them thinking about me and who I'm dating. I want them to see the character, the story that I'm telling.

Mmm-hmm. I think he means he wants the audience to shove aside all notions that he's off the market in order to lust over his uniquely attractive facial features, the way he rocks the living shit out of a suit, and his newly beefed-up physique for Don Jon. FINE. FINE, I CAN DO THAT.

I suppose some of you are thinking that it wasn't all that likely that Joseph Gordon-Levitt would be interested in me, being as how I'm a nearly-40 married mother of two and my butt sort of looks like a couple of Shar-peis stuffed into a plastic bag. But whatever, a girl middle-aged woman can dream, can't she? And now my dreams are SHATTERED. *sobs into life-sized Inception cutout*

Do you share my fondness for Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Image via Don Jon/Relativity Media

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