Hugh Hefner Marries 'Runaway Bride' Crystal Harris in Totally Sincere Not Remotely Fake Wedding

Hugh Hefner Crystal HarrisIf your New Year's resolution was to find more reasons to believe in true love, you'll be thrilled to hear that two of the most romantic public figures in entertainment history have put aside their differences and acknowledged the truth that they are soul mates and meant to be together forever. For richer or ... well, richer. In sickness and in health. Until his death -- which, look, I'm not saying it's going to happen soon, but the odds aren't on his side here -- does them part. I am of course talking about Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris, who got married at the Playboy mansion on New Year's Eve.

Oh, some might scoff at the fact that he's 86 and she's 26. Some might mention the cruel words about his sexual performance that Harris once confided on Howard Stern's radio show. But it's so incredibly obvious these two are the real deal, despite the bumpy road that led them to the altar.


Hefner and Harris had marriage plans before, but like many young/ancient couples, things fell apart at the last minute. Five days before their lavishly-planned June 2011 garden party wedding before 300 guests, Hefner's blonde Playboy Playmate of the Month for December 2009 had what he described as a "change of heart."

At the time, Harris released her own statement, begging for the ex-couple to be left alone:

After much deep reflection and thought I have decided to end my engagement with Hef. I hope the media will give each of us the privacy we deserve during this time.

Interestingly, just days after her statement, a Funny or Die video was released in which Harris not only oh-so-cleverly lampooned the 60-year age gap between her and Hef, she proved her talented skills as a comedic actress, which are impressive indeed and not at all robotic and lifeless.

In a tragic turn for Playboy magazine, the "Marrying Hef" issue Harris had posed for had to be altered at the last moment with a strategically-placed "Runaway Bride" sticker.

But perhaps the biggest challenge of all for the couple lay in Hef's sexual abilities, which Crystal Harris told Howard Stern left something to be desired. Specifically, she said the sex “lasted like two seconds," and added,

Then I was just over it. I couldn’t even stay another couple days ... I couldn’t do it. I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I just, like, walked away.

Thankfully for all of us who were rooting for these crazy kids to make it, she eventually walked right back into his loving embrace. After, presumably, convincing herself that marrying an 86-year-old multi-millionaire was probably worth a sub-par sex life.

As she wrote on Twitter this week,

Today is the day I become Mrs. Hugh Hefner. Feeling very happy, lucky, and blessed.

Indeed, Mrs. Hefner. Enjoy your wonderfully romantic, 100 percent sincere marriage for as long as it lasts! I'm sure you're hoping that won't be too many more years.

The bride wore a "mermaid" gown. The groom wore a tux, but quickly changed to his trademark pajamas because it was night-night time.

What do you think of this celebrity marriage? Is there any chance there are ANY real feelings involved?

Image via Hugh Hefner/Twitter, Playboy

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