'Walking Dead' Recap: Torture, Creepy Experiments & Dead Dogs, Oh My

You GUYS. We only have one more episode of The Walking Dead before the show goes on hiatus until February. What are we even going to do without our Sunday evening serving of re-animated dead people who are a rotted, shambling husk of their former selves? Watch Liz & Dick? *rimshot*

When we last saw our gang of Walking Dead survivors, Rick had been receiving calls on an i(AmInsane)Phone, Maggie and Glenn had fallen into bad hands, and Daryl had stolen our varmint-loving hearts yet AGAIN as he ferried [CAST MEMBER WHOSE STATUS HAD BEEN PREVIOUSLY UNCLEAR] to safety.

Here's what went down in tonight's episode (as always, spoilers ahead):


We start out with Merle interrogating Glenn back in Woodbury. Merle's tossing out a bunch of super-racist remarks and waving around his arm-stabber and generally being a total torture-porn asshole to Glenn, while all the while Maggie sits next door, forced to listen to it all.

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Back at the prison, we pick up where last week's episode left off: with Michonne standing at the fence surrounded by walkers, which are unaware of her delicious living human status thanks to the zombie guts smeared all over her. Except oh no, her bullet wound starts bleeding, which is apparently like a dinner bell going off because walkers are like "MURH?" before they descend en masse as she collapses into badly-timed unconsciousness.

Luckily, Carl and Rick waste all the walkers with some well-placed headshots and they bring Michonne into the prison, where everyone instantly gets into this big pissing match. Michonne's like, FUCK ALL YOU GUYS IN YOUR FACE-HOLES, and Daryl's like I WILL ARROW YOU SO HARD, and hey, you all just met, and this is crazy, but the zombies seem like enough of a problem without you all being dicks, so knock it off maybe?

Michonne finally dials back her bitchface long enough describe the Woodbury situation, and Rick and Daryl form a rescue team. In the midst of the preparations, Rick has a brief heart to heart with Carl, where they finally address the whole Lori-dying-then-having-to-be-shot-by-Carl-before-she-reanimated-as-a-walker thing.

"No one should have to go through that," Rick says to his son. You think? Carl needs a t-shirt: I SHOT MY MOM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.

Also they decide to name the baby Judith, after Carl's third grade teacher. Aw, but Lil' Asskicker had such a nice ring to it.

I guess anything's better than Shanette, right?

Back in Woodbury, Andrea assists Milton as he tries to prove that walkers retain some level of human memories after they turn. Their experimental subject, the dying Mr. Coleman, seems like a nice enough fellow -- until, of course, he zombifies. (Which doesn't happen instantly like it did with Shane, by the way, nor does it take a very long time like it did with with Andrea's sister, so I'm totally deducting 5 points for Zombie Continuity.) So far, the score seems to be Dead People That Turn Into Slobbering Rabid Flesh-Eating Monsters: 273858291056, Walkers That Can Be Soothed With Old-Timey LPs: Zero.

Merle gets fed up with using Glenn's face as a punching bag, so he puts a walker in the room with him, which Glenn miraculously manages to kill even though he's tied to a chair. The Governor decides to have a little visit with Maggie, which leads to a supremely freaky moment where he orders her to remove her shirt and he takes off his belt and oh my god, can you believe it? I know, right? In a post-apocalyptic world, where is Maggie taking yoga classes and getting full-body exfoliation and finding such attractive bras?

Thankfully, this scene does not lead to a nasty sexual assault, but then the Governor brings Maggie into Glenn's torture room and forces Maggie into giving up the prison by aiming his gun at Glenn's beat-up face. Huh. Seems like they could have just done that to start with.

Oscar, Rick, Daryl, and Michonne pile in a Hyundai-sponsored vehicle and drive towards Woodbury, stopping a mile or so away to approach on foot. As they get deeper in the woods, they stumble into about a bazillion walkers, and take refuge in a cabin. Which contains 1) a dead dog, and 2) a random guy who was sleeping (?) under a blanket and threatens to call the cops (??).

Michonne katanas the Insane Cabin Guy and they end up using him as a distraction for the walkers, and BOY do I have a lot of questions about this little side story. Like was it supposed to be even remotely realistic that some guy was surviving in a cabin surrounded by walkers, or was that setup mostly for the money-shot FX shot of him being torn to pieces by hungry zombies?  

On the plus side of this otherwise questionable plotline, may I present Daryl's deltoids.

Mmmmmm. Tastes like owl.

Back in Woodbury, the Governor soothes Andrea, who's guzzling his booze after the trauma of having to knife Mr. Coleman through the skull. If only she knew the Governor had recently deployed those same creepy there-there pats to a shirtless, horrified Maggie -- or his own dead daughter, for that matter. Outside, Rick and the gang are closing in on Woodbury, so even though I found this episode kind of annoying in how it seemed to be nothing more than a stretched-out setup for the midseason finale, well, next week's episode looks like it's going to kick major ass.

What did you think of tonight's show?

Image via AMC

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