Justin Bieber Sued for Stealing a Credit Card to Pay for a ... (BLUSH)

justin bieberIf you're gonna sue Justin Bieber, it had better be for a darn good reason. And it looks like this plaintiff has several. TMZ reports that a man claiming to be Selena Gomez's father is suing Bieber for stealing his credit card to pay for a penis enlargement. Also on the list of complaints: Cheating on Selena with Madonna, Ke$ha, and Penelope Cruz. And that's your first clue that this is probably the lawsuit of a total lunatic. They had me with the penis enlargement, but Penelope Cruz?!? Yeah right!

Oh I'm kidding. Of course Justin can afford his own penis enlargement. (Do you really think ...? Nah!) Anyway, there's more cray cray where that came from. The un-named Michigan man accused Justin of a whole array of bizarre misdeeds. Roll out your Canadian bearskin rugs for this one, folks!


Here's more from the list of accusations. Please, in your mind, say the word "allegedly" before you read each one.

Bieber got "my daughter" Selena pregnant "on my Canadian bear rug" and she had to get an abortion. Now he's out $426.78, though I'm not sure if that's for the abortion or the rug. (Surely not both?)

I have to use a direct quote for this because, well, you'll see: "Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of July 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums." I guess he doesn't specify how exactly Bieber is responsible for this hallucination travesty.

Bieber gave Selena an STD. Then he stole the plaintiff's credit card to buy himself and Puffy Combs cocaine. Which they used IN A DRUG-FREE SCHOOL ZONE! As if the STD and the cocaine use and the association with P. Diddy weren't enough. The outrage of it all. Well! I! Never!

Wow, penis enlargements, taking drugs near a school, knocking up Selena, orchestrating a Katy Perry-inspired assault with a firework, defiling a bear skin rug -- FROM CANADA. Who knew Bieber led such a sleazy yet exciting life?

That, or there is one incredibly delusional yet imaginative man in Michigan trying to squeeze some money out of Justin Bieber. Or someone else is taking drugs, most likely hallucinogens, most likely while standing right next to a "drug-free school zone" sign. And something tells me his case isn't going to make it very far.

Which of the allegations in this lawsuit is your favorite?


Image via ilovejb123/Flickr

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