Arnold Schwarzenegger's New 'Tell-All' Has Affair Details Maria Shriver Probably Wanted to Keep Private

Arnold SchwarzeneggerRemember in May of 2011 when we all learned that Arnold Schwarzenegger had separated from his wife Maria Shriver? And at first we all felt kind of sorry for them both, because jeez, divorce just sucks? But then he admitted that HASTA LA VISTA IT'S MY BABY, and as the details emerged about his affair with the couple's housekeeper and the subsequent love child they produced, we were like holy crap Maria how did you not pull an Elin Nordegren on his ass and cave in his face with a nine-iron when you heard about this?

Well, at least that's what I thought. Anyway, over a year after his marriage detonated in the public eye, Schwarzenegger has released a tell-all memoir titled Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story. In it, he dishes in great detail on how his ex-wife confronted him about the affair ... and how he still hopes for a reconciliation with her.

(Say, is there an Ahhnold movie catchphrase for "Yeah RIGHT, buddy. Not even with a stunt vagina and a time machine"?)

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In the book, Schwarzenegger writes that Shriver waited until the day after his term as governor of California came to an end, then set up a couples' counseling session on January 4, 2011, to address his infidelity:

The minute we sat down, the therapist turned to me and said, "Maria wanted to come here today and to ask about a child -- whether you fathered a child with your housekeeper Mildred." I told the therapist, "It's true."

Okay, can we just take a moment to give major props to Shriver for how she handled this? Very cool and in control, waiting so as to not disrupt his last days in office and using a third party to make sure things didn't get crazy. It does sound like she'd had her suspicions for quite a while, since 1) the kid looks just like him, and 2) she'd asked him about it years before, which he'd denied.

Schwarzenegger confesses that he hooked up with housekeeper Mildred Baena in 1996 in the family guest house while he was in town filming Batman and Robin and Shriver and their kids were away on vacation. (Gah, that reads like the worst Clue game ever. In the family guest house! WITH HIS PENIS.)

For years he tried to deny the fact that the boy, Joseph, was his -- until the child grew older and the resemblance became obvious.

I realized there was little doubt that he was my son.

During the counseling confrontation, Schwarzenegger says he begged for forgiveness, telling his wife that he had screwed up and that she was the perfect wife. Oh, and he also said that he was still "turned on" by her. For some crazy reason, this tactic didn't work ("I'm still turned on by you! Just like I was turned on by our maid! And this houseplant!"), and they went on to separate.

As for why he cheated, Schwarzenegger says he isn't sure ... but that it was probably a mixture of stupidity and arrogance. Yep, that sounds about right.

Perhaps the biggest jaw-dropper in the book is that he says he still hopes to get back together with Shriver:

You can call this denial. But it's the way my mind works.

Coming on the heels of his explanation for why he didn't confess the infidelity ("instead of doing the right thing I'd just put the truth in a mental compartment and locked it up where I didn't deal with it every day"), I can believe it. Of course, I also believe there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell Maria Shriver would have taken him back -- and that was before this "tell-all" was published.

Do you think this book helps his chances at getting back together with Maria Shriver?

Image via Shumachergirl/Flickr

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