'Sons of Anarchy' Premiere Blows Us Away With Sex, Bullets, Burned Bodies & More

Kim CoatesYou know the phrase when one door closes, another one opens? That's exactly how I feel about Sons of Anarchy returning with season 5. Breaking Bad may be over until next summer, but at least I can take solace in the fact that SAMCRO is back on the air.

And what a premiere it was. That's how you kick off a season, kids -- with blood, bad guys, the beast with two backs, and one of the most excruciating revenge scenes I've ever seen on television. SOA definitely earned its Mature Audiences rating this week, wouldn't you say?

Let's chat about what went down during the season 5 premiere, shall we? (In case it's not incredibly obvious: SPOILERS AHEAD.)

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So we started things off with Gemma banging some random dude, who turned out to be ... Jimmy Smits? I wouldn't have cast Jimmy Smits in this show in a million years, but I am already loving him as Nero Padilla. Also, I have never found him to be attractive in the past, but there's something about this character that makes me want to climb him like the rope in gym class. Is it the beard? The lazy grin? I have no idea, but MAMA LIKEY.

Jimmy Smits Sons of Anarchy

Aging like a fine wine, damn.

We met Damon Pope, the gangster whose daughter Tig killed last season when he believed he was avenging Clay's shooting. Pope, played with admirable restraint by Lost’s Harold Perrineau, set up the most horrific retaliation scene imaginable: forcing Tig to watch his own daughter die right before his eyes. That was some sincerely brutal television, made all the more shocking because I had just been steeling myself to see Tig get beaten up or maybe shot or something. The surprise one-two gut-punch of seeing Dawn in that unspeakable pit, and initially believing she was dead before things got even worse when she woke up and was SET ON FIRE ... man. Kim Coates should get 9,000 Emmys for his performance -- I swear I can still hear his tortured screams of "Oh baby, oh no, oh no!"

The rest of the show moved right along: Clay came halfway clean to the club about killing Piney (but he's still a lying shitweasel), Gemma and Tara butted heads and seem to be heading to a dangerous showdown (Tara's hardened up quite a bit, hasn't she?), and the episode ended with Unser being attacked by a mysterious figure with a prosthetic leg. Gotta be Greg the Peg, right? So SAMCRO is being attacked from within, since Greg joined the club as a nomad? WHAT IS GOING ON AHHH CLIFFHANGER.

Also, I greatly dislike Jax's hair this season.

I'm sure I could get past it, though, if he took his shirt off. In fact, that's my sole criticism of this otherwise kickass premiere: Jax Teller Shirtless Scenes, ZERO.

What did you think of the premiere? Are you glad Sons of Anarchy is back on the air?


Images via FX

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