An Emily Maynard Spinoff Would Be Boring as Hell

emily maynardLet's put it this way. If I were put in a room and in one corner was a gallon of kerosene and a match, and in the other was a recliner chair facing a TV airing an Emily Maynard reality TV show spin-off, you'd be sweeping up my ashes and dumping them in the garbage like last week's Us Weekly faster than you could say, "Wait! There's an exit!"

Rumor has it that the most-likely-engaged Bachelorette is vying for her own show in which she'll plan her wedding to, let's be real, that kid Jef, and I think it goes without saying that I think this is an atrocious idea.


If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, Emily is perfectly gorgeous and very nice and sweet and all that down-home crap, but she's not entertaining to watch. She has the personality of a wet rag, a very lovely wet rag, but a wet rag nonetheless. She doesn't laugh, when she cries she stifles it so that it comes out in beautiful little tufts of sadness as opposed to something real, and she doesn't really have that much to say. I'm pretty sure if you do a word count of this season, half would be "thank" and the other half would be "you."

Pleases and thank-yous are polite and all, but they don't make for good TV. Emily's too kind for this, and if she has a sense of humor or a sense of self, she's not showing it on camera. To be a successful in the reality TV lane, you gotta show some true colors. Just ask the Kardashians, or hell, Vicki Gunvalson.

Plus, if Chris Harrison isn't around, how will Emily know how to express her "feelings"? Ever notice how during their sit downs he's like, I bet you feel really torn and confused and guilty, and then she's all I feel really torn and confused and guilty ... yeah. Keep an eye out for that. If Emily gets her own show that follows her wedding planning, we might not ever know how she really feels about the red velvet cake without Chris feeding her lines.

We'll find out soon if she'll get her own show; the source says after her engagement's announced, she'll probably sign a contract and start filming Emily Plans a Wedding: Awww, Thank You So Much, All Y'all Are So Sweet in the upcoming months.

Which is to say, hand me the lighter fluid.

Would you be interested in watching an Emily Maynard spin-off?


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