Ashton Kutcher Heading to Space But Sadly He'll Return (VIDEO)

Well, the good news is that Ashton Kutcher is being shot into space. The bad news is that it appears he's booking a round trip flight.

Kutcher has signed up to be the 500th "astronaut-customer" aboard a Virgin Galactic flight, the first commercial airline to offer suborbital space flights. Launched by the ever-entertaining Richard Branson (please tell me you've seen this hilarious Virgin Mobile commercial where he promises to service you … every last one of you), Virgin Galactic lets you experience a view of the earth from the atmosphere—for a mere $200,000 per ticket price, that is.

It all seems a bit unfair, doesn't it? First Kutcher married his way into becoming an A-list celebrity, then he nabbed a $15.4 million TV show contract even though he can't act his way out of a paper bag, and now he's going to be an astronaut. Even though I'm pretty sure his trucker hat would burst into flames if he were presented with an actual physics problem.

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Kutcher will be climbing aboard SpaceShipTwo, which is a six-passenger, two-pilot spaceship that is supposed to reach an altitude of about 68 miles. Fliers will only have a few minutes to experience zero gravity and see the earth from space, but presumably the hefty price tag is worth it: Katy Perry, Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and physicist Stephen Hawking have all reportedly added their names to the waiting list.

Here's a short video on Ashton's upcoming adventure:

It'll be a while before Ashton actually gets to jet off to the stars, since Virgin Atlantic plans to begin commercial passenger service in 2013 or 2014, but Branson seems pretty excited to have him on board. Via his blog, Branson said,

I gave Ashton a quick call to congratulate and welcome him. He is as thrilled as we are at the prospect of being among the first to cross the final frontier (and back!) with us and to experience the magic of space for himself.

Sure, why the hell not. He's already explored the magic of every vagina in Los Angeles, after all.

The thing I'm wondering about is whether Richard Branson knows something we don't. Is there a giant asteroid on a collision course with Earth, and the planet's only hope of saving a handful of celebrities (and one world-renowned physicist) is to launch them into outer space? After all, Branson says he'll be on the first flight himself, along with his kids. Are they planning to start a new civilization, one where Brad and Angie populate the new planet with a variety of adorable children while Kutcher stands by waiting for them to turn 18? Is this all an elaborate strategy to keep Two and a Half Men from ever being canceled, even if the earth is destroyed? WHAT DOES TOM HANKS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

The mind boggles, does it not? In fact, I recommend that we all stay vigilant as Ashton Kutcher's space flight date approaches. If scientists start talking about unusual solar storms or space rocks heading this way, I say we rush SpaceShip Two and take Kutcher down, for the future of the human race.

Images via E! News

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