Coachella 2012 Lineup Rocks, But You’re Not Cool Enough to Go

coachellaThe Coachella 2012 lineup has just been released and it's phenomenal: Florence + The Machine, The Shins, Pulp, Mazzy Star, Snoop Dogg, The Black Keys, Radiohead, Jimmy Cliff, Arctic Monkeys, Cat Power -- even At The Drive-In is reuniting for the festival in April. It's going to be a rockin' two weekends under the desert sun in California. There's only one problem: Moms, you are NOT cool enough to go.

Sorry, but someone had to break the news to you. Don't bother setting up your Coachella account online ahead of time so you can just hit "buy" on Friday at exactly 10:00 p.m. E.T. It's not happening for you.


No, I know -- many of you really want to go. I want to go, too! But someone needs to get real with you, and it might as well be me, the un-coolest person you know. Stay home in dorksville in your yoga pants and with your tired-already-by-10 p.m. habits. Here's why.

  1. It's expensive. Tickets are $285 per weekend. I don't know about you, but I just blew all my money on a Christmas-birthday double-header. I'm wiped out. Also, baby needs new shoes.
  2. There's no babysitting. That I know of. I think if you're rich and awesome, you fly your nanny over with you. Or, if you're merely lucky, you can drop your kid off with the grandparents for the weekend. Neither are an option for me. Shh -- I don't want to hear about your "wonderful" parents who can watch the kids all weekend at a moment's notice.
  3. You are not Garance Dore, fashion photographer. And even she, with her piddly VIP Pass ($660 per weekend), suffered because she did not have the Media Pass (no photos), nor an Artists Pass (can't get into the Artists Village), nor an Alcohol Pass (booze), nor a VIP Parking Pass, nor a car. In order to fully enjoy the Coachella experience and avoid all suffering, you need the Mega Multi Super VIP Pass, not available to ordinary mortals.
  4. You're not quite ready for bikini season -- and it just happens that bikinis are the uniform of choice at Coachella.
  5. You have about five kiddie soccer games to attend those weekends.
  6. You don't know half these bands anyway. Speak for myself? Okay, fine, you got me.
  7. The hot 25-year-old guys there most likely don't want to have sex with you. That's kind of half the reason why this festival exists, after all -- hookups. But hey, consolation prize? That guy next to you in the armchair who always empties the dishwasher without being asked does want to have sex with you. And if you squint he even kind of looks like Dan Auerbach.

Oh well! Have fun kids. Be sure and tell us all about it when you get back. I'll bet it's even awesomer than Burning Man. I'm SO not jealous of you all, really.

Have you ever been to a weekend-long music festival?


Image via Coachella

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