'Dear Santa' Letters From 2011's Naughtiest Celebrities

kim kardashian
Dear Santa ...
Forget hacking celebs' cellphones. For the real dirt, there's just one place to go: Santa's mailbag. Oh yeah. That's right. Because the rich and famous don't need Kris Kringle to bring them an Xbox or an iPad, they need him to fix their rich and famous problems. Scandals, addictions, affairs ... no mere mortal can make that kind of naughty go away with a wink of his eye and a twist of his head.

The way I see it, things would get pretty boring for old St. Nick if those letters postmarked "Hollywood" didn't show up every so often.

I mean, who knows if they even get TMZ in the North Pole?

Lucky for you, I happen to have a vertically challenged pal who works in a certain, rather chilly mailroom.

And he's a little less than jolly about not getting promoted to the toy-making floor this year, so he was willing to slip a few of Santa's juiciest celeb letters my way ...

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To: Santa Claus

From: Lindsay Lohan

Santa Baby! Look, I know I've been totally naughty this year. I'm a bad girl. I really am, Santa, maybe you should just put me over your knee and spank me. Would you like that, Santa?

Cause you know, if you're into it, I can be waiting under the tree on Christmas Eve wearing nothing but a big, red bow (I'd look kind of like I do on the cover of Playboy. On newsstands soon. The perfect holiday gift!).

Then all the boring stuff about shoplifting and DWIs and probation just wouldn't matter anymore, right? Because the truth is, that belly full of jelly thing you've got going on drives me wild.

Oh yeah, Santa Baby. And your beard is so ... oh god, I can't go through with this. I just can't! I refuse to sit on one more old fat man's lap to get what I want! It didn't even work last time -- they still made me work in the morgue!! I hate the dead people place, I hate it! Please, please, take me to the North Pole. I'll shovel reindeer poop, I'll do anything!

XO, LiLo

To: Santa

From: Ashton Kutcher

Dude, where's my car? Haha, man, I know, I have like 20 cars, not to mention that sick effin' trailer, right? So you don't need to bring me a car, obviously. (If you want to though, that's cool.) But here's the thing. Ever since the whole mess with Demi and that Sara somebody or other (I didn't even know her name was Sara!), and well, if you see me when I'm sleeping and awake, I guess I don't have to tell you about all the other chicks whose names I can't remember ... ever since that went all public, I feel like there are some people -- not a lot, but some -- who think I'm kind of an asshat. And you know me, Santa, you know I'm a deeply thoughtful, compassionate person. I thought maybe since I'm rocking the Jesus look now, the world would know I'm not just, like, some stupid dude on TV. Right?

So anyway when you're in people's houses, is there any way you can, like, sprinkle some magic dust on them so they realize how cool I am? They don't have to idolize me or anything. (If you want them to though, that's cool.)

Anyway, you should come hang out in the trailer sometime. I'll hook you up! Mrs. Claus will never know. Probably.

@aplusk

To: Santa Claus

From: Charlie Sheen

Man, I can't call you Santa so I'm gonna call you Nick. Cause you're St. Nick, and you and me, we're the same. We're Vatican assassins. We are high priests, you and me. We're warlocks, Nick, that's what we are, and that's why I think we should join forces.

I'm dealing with fools and trolls here, man, and you have those ugly elves running your show! Let's get rid of the gnarly gnarlingtons and claim what is rightfully ours -- the North Pole! A kingdom COVERED IN SNOW. See, the trolls don't get how it is you can fly around the whole world in one night but I know, man. And laying a finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose??? With the stash you have up at the Pole, man, I'll pull the sleigh myself! WINNING!!!

So we have a deal, Nick?

CHAZ

To: Santa

From: Kim Kardashian

Deer Dear Santa Klaus,

You R a very nice man. I LIkE your red suit beKause it is the Kolor of things Iike lollypops AND Lipstik and other stuff too. For Kristmas I wood would like a pony named ButterKup and some big big diamondz. And ALso my sister Khloe Is a mean NASTy witch and I would like Her to turn purpel and blow up like a Ballooon. Like the girl in that choklate movie.

Oh and Kris was not that naughty Ackshully so can U pleeeze send him a nice boyfriend? THAt's a secret!

Love, KK

To: Santa

From: Jennifer Aniston

Hey, Santa, how's it going? Look, you're busy, I'm busy -- I'm gonna cut to the chase here. You've given me so much over the years. Really, more than I ever could've dreamed of. You're just amazing. Okay? Don't you ever forget it. So I'm not asking for anything for myself, not really. You don't need to bring me one single present. All I'm asking for is a favor. One teeny little favor. Which will make the world a much better place.

Please ... pretty please ... please make Angelina Jolie disappear? I'm not saying anything bad has to happen. I don't wish the woman any harm. Of course not! My head is screwed on straight, don't you worry.

I just don't ever want to look at her face or hear her voice or read her name again. That's all.

Totally do-able, right?

You're such a doll, Claus. Let's get coffee once all the holiday madness is over!

All my best,

Jen

Which naughty celeb's letter to Santa would you sneak a peek at if you could?


Image via Eva Rinaldi/Flickr

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