35 Most Genius Brittany S. Pierce One-Liners From 'Glee'

Heather Morris GleeThe on-again/off-again set-up that is the Fox Tuesday night line-up has made getting into Glee season three tough on even the most devout fans. The losers from Lima come back for a night only to disappear again for weeks. But Gleeks, there is light at the end of the tunnel ... or at least a big skylight to help guide us through the dark times between episodes.

Introducing the greatest one-liners of one Brittany S. Pierce, cheerleader, Troubletones singer, mom to kitty cat Lord Tubbington, host of Internet talk show "Fondue for Two," and source of the smartest bits of ridiculousness on prime time. I call them my moments of Brittany because I don't need to be zen when I can be giggling at Heather Morris' serious delivery of the solidly stupid. Behold the very best from the past two and a half seasons:


1. My cat's been reading my diary.

2. What's the capital of Ohio? Brittany: O

3. I find recipes confusing.

4. Mr. Shue to Brittany: Can you tell me what a ballad is? Brittany: A male duck.

5. Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

6. This room looks like that one spaceship where I was probed.

7. Mr. Schue: Who can tell me who Christopher Cross is? Brittany: He discovered America.

8. Mr. Schue: Guys I have one word for you. Brittany: Is it love? I'm totally gonna graduate now!

9. Lord Tubbington's allowed to eat cheese because he's on Atkins.

10. Mr. Schue: What's a duet? Brittany: A blanket.

11. Mr. Schue: Brittany, take it away! Brittany: Take what away?

12. When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.

13. Sometimes I forget my middle name.

14. Artie, the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. You need to write your letter to Santa really fast and get it in the mail today.

15. Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

16. Kurt's Dad: Use protection. Brittany: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

17. Santana: I want to talk about that thing we never talk about. Brittany: That Sour Patch Kids are just Gummy Bears that turned to drugs?

18. I made him a card that said heart attacks are just from loving too much.

19. Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra. Santana: Those are your nipples.

20. To her cat: You know, just because we're doing this interview doesn't mean I'm still not mad at you. 'Cause I know you started smoking again.

21. The key is to use your curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from being burnt.

22. I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

23. Mr. Schue: Who can tell us what an anthem is? Brittany: The bottom of an ant's pants.

24. Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.

25. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.

26. Your hands are really soft. Seriously, they feel like a baby. Now I know what it's like to date a baby!

27. The way to get a man to follow you forever? Take his virginity. Seriously, Madonna like wrote a song about it.

28. I don't wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.

29. Remember, even the small envelope is heavy for an elf.

30. Please don't pull out all my teeth. I'll look like an adult baby, but with boobs.

31. People thought I went on vacation but I really spent the summer lost in the sewers.

32. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time and I forgot how to leave.

33. To the Irish exchange student: You look magical and amazing, but I don't understand what you're saying. So if you're gonna make it in this world, you better learn to speak English.

34. Kurt: I don't know what to say. Brittany: That happens to me all the time. I just open my mouth and dust comes out.

35. She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.

What's your favorite Brittany quote? Do you think Heather Morris is underrated for her ability to play the idiot genius?


Image via Fox

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