Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Homicidal But Stays Eco-Friendly

gwyneth paltrow bikeWe all knew it was only a matter of time before Gwyneth Paltrow snapped! We just didn't know when or how she was going to crack under the considerable pressure of balancing her many careers; among them: Lifestyle icon, Oscar-winning actress, chanteuse, cookbook author, style maven, plumber, accountant, and tattoo artist.

But now she's gone off the deep end for real, and her meltdown was classic Gwynnie.

Did she lose her cool at a dinner party and dump a steaming hot plate of organic Duck Ragu over Madge's head? Noooo. Did she get so frustrated at the spa trying to choose between a Zen meditation session and a vegan detox facial that she knocked over a display of artisanal massage oils? Nope, not that either!

The truth is so much better than anything I could ever make up ...


Okay, here it is: Fed up with paparazzi on the set of Thanks for Sharing in New York, a blind-with-fury Gwyneth allegedly tried to run the photographers over with her bike.

I know, I know. Who but Paltrow would have the decency to remember the planet mid-mental breakdown? If you're gonna take a bunch of guys out at once, riding a bicycle into them (while wearing a helmet, no less) is a remarkably eco-friendly way to get the job done.

And she was even burning calories at the same time!

Is that woman ever going to stop trying to make the rest of us look like total slackers??

We can take comfort only in the knowledge that this incident did not turn out to be a Mission: Accomplished for Gwyneth. No photographers were actually injured. Although even if they did get hurt and Paltrow ended up in jail, I'm sure she would have just parlayed that experience into yet another Oscar and most likely a memoir on The New York Times Bestseller List, too.

Meanwhile, I'm so gonna send those guys shirts printed with this slogan: Gwyneth Paltrow tried to kill me and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Are you afraid of what Gwyneth Paltrow will do next?


Image via Splash

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