5 Biggest Martha Stewart 'Tell All' Shockers

martha stewartBad mommy?If I had to describe Martha Stewart in one word, it would be "queen." For she is my queen, and I worship at her perfectly papier-mâchéd altar. I love Martha Stewart and everything she does. Even if there is an entire box full of her recipes and crafts taking up space in my apartment that, deep down, I know I have no intention of ever making.

So when I heard her daughter, Alexis Stewart -- you know the one who has an entire show dedicated to poking fun at her mom, childishly called Whatever, Martha -- wrote a book about how effed up her home life was growing up because of mean, old Martha, I got pissed. "Leave my queen alone," I thought. "And quit making an entire career out of talking smack about your mother."

But then I read a few excerpts from the book. Damn. Maybe Martha was kind of mean.

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Truth be told, the book, Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, is written as a bit hyperbolic, a bit of a parody, if you will. Alexis really focuses on the negatives she had growing up -- and exaggerates them -- and leaves out most of the positives. And Martha is actually okay with this -- since she knows her daughter's tongue was firmly in cheek while writing.

That said, here are five juicy tidbits to come out of the (sort of) Martha-bashing book. Hold on to your glue guns, people.

Martha always peed with the door open. To hell you say! That is so improper. Apparently, after a while, Alexis started getting embarrassed and asked her mother to stop. She said, "I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop!'" Not 100 percent sure I believe that one. Martha is too classy for that. 

She had kind of a gross house. Apparently, Martha, who you know loves her dogs, let them "piss and s**t" on the rugs whenever they pleased. Again, finding a little hard to believe. Martha's more of a "whip up your own organic pet stain remover" kind of gal.

They didn't celebrate Halloween. When writing about Halloween at her mother's house, Alexis said, "There were no costumes. There was no anything. We turned off all the lights and pretended we weren't home." What?! But Martha is so good at Halloween. You saw her latest magazine. She's so good that she plagiarized herself! (Alexis admit to leaving out the years where her mom sewed her amazing, elaborate costumes)

Other holidays were even worse. Martha made Alexis -- her own daughter -- wrap her own presents at Christmas! According to Alexis, "She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'" Okay, this one's just ridiculous.

They never had food in the house. The woman who could kill, skin, and butcher a chicken in her sleep supposedly kept an empty fridge. Alexis wrote, "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food. There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind." This one I totally believe. Because Martha likes her stuff made from scratch.

All in all, the book sounds somewhat cute, but I think Alexis really needs to find a talent or profession or something outside of bashing her mom. No matter how tongue-in-cheek she's being. Don't mess with my queen, Lexi.

Do you like Martha Stewart?

 

Image via david_shankbone/Flickr

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