Lady Gaga Lost Me At 'Prosthetic Penis'

It's probably fair to say that most people who tuned in to MTV's Video Music Awards show on Sunday were curious as to how Lady Gaga was going to top her infamous 2010 Meat Dress VMA appearance. Was she going to arrive in another egg? Would her outfit be crafted from the delicate membranes of human placenta? What sort of strange shape would her hair be molded into, and are we talking pubic or the top-of-head variety?

As it turned out, Gaga's fashion choice was even more mystifying than a dress made of uncured beef jerky: she spent the entire night pretending to be someone else entirely.

Namely, someone with a penis.


I'm not just pointing out that her bizarre alter ego, Jo Calderone, is supposed to be a man—I'm saying that according to Us Weekly, Gaga really was wearing a penis all night long. A prosthetic penis, to be precise, crammed into her Armani men's underwear in order to fully convey the male vibe she was going for. Apparently she was so invested in not breaking character, she also used men's bathrooms throughout the evening, although there's been no word on whether her fake schlong actually had urine-funneling functionality or not.

I have no idea if stuffing a plastic dick in your pants is a method acting trick or if she was just trying to be as outrageous as possible or if the whole thing is a total rumor, but I know one thing for certain: I don't get Lady Gaga. I think she's a hell of a marketer and I like some of her music and I appreciate the message of self-acceptance she often sends, but this Jo Calderone thing that's being lauded by the LGBT community as "undeniably powerful and [creating] change," and "[spreading] a positive and accepting message for all kinds of queer people"? I ... just don't get it. She dressed up like a creepy version of Ralph Macchio and made crass references to jerking off to Britney Spears, and somehow that makes her an artistic genius who's smashing out homophobia left and right?

I mean, I might be able to understand this a bit more if she actually made a convincing man, but Lady Gaga dressed in drag looks and sounds to me exactly like Lady Gaga dressed in drag. Seriously, when you watch this video, are you blown away by her uncanny ability to shape-shift?

Because I'm thinking: girl, I hope you're not angling for an Oscar any time soon.

Gaga's creative director has been gushing over how "groundbreaking" Gaga's VMA appearance was, saying that the fact that she never broke character took her performance to a new level: 

I hope that the Monsters and the music industry [connect to] the idea that as long as you execute to the highest level of your ability, that you make a statement, that you push your creative ability to the max, and it doesn't mean one thing or another.

I just ... really? This is like when I've viewed modern art exhibits and I've been like, is it just me, or is this pile of cat feces formed into an enormous breast which has then been sprinkled with purple talcum powder less of a commentary on the oppressive standards of female beauty and more like a pile of WEIRD LOOKING SHIT?

But maybe that's part of Lady Gaga's unique creative vision, that it doesn't have to appeal to everyone or make sense to anyone. Still, I can't help feeling like there's an Emperor's New Clothes thing going on with Mother Monster, and at this point, she could do literally anything and she'd make the news. After all, wasn't it just a week ago that she was on every website for, and I quote, "wearing normal clothes"? She's crazy, all right. Just like a fox.

What did you think about Lady Gaga's Jo Calderone character? Genius, or just weird?

Image via YouTube

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