Thank God Alexander Skarsgard Is Finally Single

Dear Alexander Skarsgard—actually, can I call you Alex? It's just that I feel I know you ... and by "know" I mean "am made uncomfortably sweaty by"—I heard about your breakup with Kate Bosworth, and I hope you're not feeling too sad these days. It sucks when a relationship comes to an end, no matter how incredibly, tragically wrong you may have been for each other.

I'm sure you hear from fans all the time, but let me assure you, I'm no girlish groupie. In fact, I'm—well, shit, according to Wikipedia, I'm actually three years older than you. Wow, that's kind of depressing. But perhaps it's time you considered an older women? A slightly haggard older woman with undereye circles, gravity-succumbed boobs, and a doughy midsection? Hmmmmmm?

Don't lie, Alex. I know this is turning you on.

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I discovered you a few years ago in Generation Kill, and you were easily the best part about that amazing miniseries. I admit that when I first saw you in True Blood, I wasn't totally sure—that long hair!—but as soon as the ponytail disappeared, your glorious Swedish features stole the show. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you've essentially ruined True Blood for me, because any scene that doesn't feature Naked Eric is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Have you considered writing an "all naked, all the time" clause into your contract? I'm just saying, I think it would be a popular move.


Anyway, now that you're a single man, I think it's time to tell you that I, Linda Sharps, 37-year-old mother of two from Bellevue, Washington, find you so attractive you often make me feel funny. You know, in my pants. Like "climbing the rope in gym class" funny.


While it is true that I am a happily married woman, my husband and I have an understanding. As long as he's able to get with Sofia Vergara, I officially have permission to swarm all over your gorgeous 6'4" frame like a handsy spider monkey.


Alexander, I have a couple of very, very important questions for you. First, do you know Sofia Vergara? And secondly, don't you think it's time you stopped dating beautiful toned young starlets and chose someone with a sorta-droopy C-section scar instead? Check this for yes: ☐ and this for "I'm available for tongue-kissing any time you want": ☐


I was going to add the option to check "whoever you are, this entire letter is creepy as hell" but I ran out of boxes. Love you. *draws heart sign with fingers*


(Okay, who else has an enormous crush on Alexander Skarsgard?)



Image via Flickr/David_Shankbone

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