'Jersey Shore' Season 4 Is a Terrorist Act on Italy (VIDEO)

I hope you're happy now, Jersey Shore fans. Thanks to your inexplicable devotion to this putrid show and the fist-pumping anticipation building around the upcoming new season, I just endured the entire Jersey Shore Season 4 trailer, in the valiant name of entertainment journalism. Which, I should point out, does not actually provide hazard pay, despite its tendency to continually expose you to subjects that make you want to shove grapefruit spoons in your eye sockets.

So yeah. The trailer. First of all, let me just say that those are two minutes and thirty seconds of my life I am never getting back, and it's all your fault. I could have been learnin' Italian! I could have been finding some nice, real, traditional Italian girl and banging the crap outta her in some bacteria-choked hot tub!

Instead, I'm still reeling over the scene in the trailer involving a bidet, and someone's screechy voiceover:


Is that a doucher? To clean your vagina?

Something tells me even if it WAS a "doucher" it would remain unused, ladies. I'm not saying the personal vaginal areas of every female Jersey Shore cast member are for SURE teeming with contagion and decades-old spray tanner, I'm saying I suspect they are.

Anyway, apparently the whole gimmick with season 4 is that MTV has shipped this group of orange-tinted miscreants and their various body parts off to Italy (JWoww, squeezing her boobs together so as to more lovingly display the implant bulges: "JWoww and her titties are goin' to Italy!!"). This seems, frankly, like a bit of a terrorist act on our part, and I for one would not blame a declaration of war in retaliation. This is a country that gave us the magical wonder that is tiramisu, and we send them Snooki in a leopard-print minidress? Way to go, Obama.

The trailer insinuates that the crew did a lot of clubbing, screwing, and fighting in Italy, which seems like a really big change from their usual antics in Seaside Heights. Snooki gets into a car accident that I am sure was not at all scripted, The Situation continues to defy the laws of nature by actually getting women to sleep with his turnip-headed self, and everyone screams a lot of bleeped-out profanities at each other because it's probably really hard to have a good time when a network is paying you out the ass to get drunk and act like a buffoon on television.

Here's the thrilling season preview in its entirety:

Not to worry, though, in the end everything turns out just fine! As JWoww says, presumably while not washing her vagina, "It takes something really bad to happen in this house to realize how much we love each other." Aw, now I understand why you guys like this show so much. It's about enduring friendships! Also, you have really, really bad taste.

'Fess up, are you a Jersey Shore fan? Will you be tuning in to the new season premiere on August 4?

Image via MTV

Read More >