How to Be George Clooney's Girlfriend

I've always suspected that George Clooney would be an awesome boyfriend. Not only is he still wildly attractive at the age of 50, he also seems charming, whip-smart, and funny. The only downside is that you'd know without a shadow of a doubt he was going to dump your ass in about a year and a half.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Clooney has reportedly sent his latest lover packing. Elisabetta Canalis lasted longer than some, but despite introducing Clooney to her parents last year, she didn't quite reach the two-year mark.

You've got to hand it to Clooney—if he were a younger, slimier star, we'd probably all be disgusted by his track record. As it is, there's almost something kind of impressive about how he sticks so resolutely to his bachelor ways.

Still, for the next gorgeous brunette who invariably catches his eye, here are three handy tips for keeping Clooney around as long as possible:


Don't talk about marriage and kids. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever. As if it wasn't obvious from his romantic history, Clooney has no interest in saying "I do." No, don't go thinking you'll be the one to change him. He flat-out told the press in January, "I was married. Yeah, so I've proven how good I was at it, and I just ... I'm allowed one." Also, in 2008 he made his feelings about kids crystal-clear: "If I need to surround myself with children and feel like I have this big extended family, I can always call Brad and Angie and ask them to stay with me, just to remind me why I'm so happy without."

Don't give yourself away via the press.
Who knows what really happened between George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis, but I suspect she may have initiated her own dumping when she recently told an Italian magazine she was a "firm believer in marriage." Not only that, but she dropped a little bomb about her mother telling her that when her maternal instinct kicked in, "it will be like a
lightning bolt." Should have stuck with her original party line back in February, which was that she had no desire to get pregnant because "my maternal desires are fully satisfied with my dogs."

Don't hog the spotlight. If Clooney invites you to the Oscars, your job is to look impeccably hot and smile a lot and stay away from the microphones. Avoid giving interviews about your notoriously private boyfriend. Don't retweet mean shit that compares Iggy Pop to Jennifer Aniston.

Finally, enjoy it while it lasts, because the most important thing to remember is that no matter what you do, it won't last forever. Good night, and good luck.

Are you surprised to hear about Clooney's latest split?

Image via Flickr/csztova

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