13 Ways Oprah Winfrey Empowers Me

Oprah WinfreyA lot of people are sad that the Oprah Winfrey Show is coming to an end. In fact, I would say most people and definitely every single citizen of Hollywood feel this way, judging by the star-studded turnout for the taping of Oprah's final shows last night that will air on May 23 and 24. Too bad none of us will be able to see them. That's right, because the world is blowing up two days before. Yup, May 21, the End of the World, I guess Oprah forgot to tell her scheduling people about that one.

But here's my own little theory on that: I'm willing to bet that the world as we know it will NOT really end as of May 22, everything will be as normal as ever when we all wake up, and then Oprah will go on the air the next day and take credit for it!


Because if you go by what all her celebrity worshippers said at her closing ceremonies at Chicago's United Center Tuesday, she is responsible for pretty much everything good that ever happened anywhere. I mean, even Tom Hanks was there Tuesday and he's a war hero and all so if anyone knows anything about world affairs and social change and patriotism, it's him!

Somehow we will all find a way to survive in an Oprah-less world. I know it will be tough. Because according to everybody, Oprah is "empowering." I haven't quite figured out how she empowered me yet, but I guess even asking that question alone is empowering. It means we can start thinking and making decisions on our own -- OMG do you think we really can? For real?

Yes, I'm here to tell you it will all be okay. Actually, we will all be even more free, unfettered, and "empowered" now that Oprah is not with us anymore, and here are 13 lucky reasons why -- one for each of the last years I was praying for her show to be canceled before now ...

1. No more weight loss diet tribes. Or witness to them. One minute she's huge, the next she's skinny, one minute she's huge, the next she's ... like one of those blow-up kid toys that make you dizzy.

2. We don't have to watch all those stars smooching her butt, and Oprah smooching their butts back. Way more disconcerting than those YouTube pet videos.

3. President Obama probably has even more of a shit chance of getting re-elected now without Oprah's ratings magic behind him.

4. Skinny jeans might not seem that scary anymore now that we don't have to constantly look at the model wearing them.

5. Or .. really ... just throwing this in ... all the many other fashion disasters like that white fluffy fiasco from the 1986 Golden Globes (to her credit, Oprah herself admitted that was a really. bad. move).

6. We don't have to hear Oprah referred to as the Queen of Daytime Talk anymore. Or watch her walking around stage like a Queen. Or listen to her casually namedrop about the funny thing that happened the other night while she was having dinner with the Queen of England ...

7. A break from all the narcissism. NARCISSIST. NaRcIsSiSm. Give me an N! Give me an A!

8. Those highly annoying inspirational catchphrases. Too numerous to mention.

9. We can finally become empowered on how to choose crappy chick lit from the library all by ourselves.

10. She is no longer influential enough to convince us to buy those really overpriced melamine bowls or celebrity fragrances as gifts on major holidays because they happen to be on some list.

11. Her iron grip on us seems to be waning overall! For only the third time in seven years, Oprah slips to the number two spot on Forbes Celebrity 100. Who booted her to first loser status? An unkempt woman who walks around in public in her underpants. Lady Gaga.

12. No more Oprah drones to feed the daytime TV pipeline. Please let it have died with Nate Berkus.

13. One more free hour in your day to scrub the toilets!

What's worse -- the End of the World or the End of Oprah?


Image via Splash

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