'Real Housewives of New Jersey' Recap: Team Giudice vs. Team Gorga

rhonjIt's the crown jewel of Housewives for a reason. Last night the ladies of the Garden State brought 90 minutes of pure, unadulterated drama and every second of it was gorgeous. Where to even begin? Let's start with the two newest cast members: Kathy Wakile and Melissa Gorga.


Both women are related to Teresa Giudice. Kathy is her cousin, Melissa is her brother Joe's wife. Follow? Kathy is the calmer of the two, although if you watched the "This season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey," she looks like she can throw down with the best of them. And Melissa is ... oh, sweet Melissa. Her and Teresa's relationship will be the perfect antidote to Danielle Staub's absence. Truth be told, Gorga actually reminds me a bit of Alexis Bellino, with all her Jesus talk/un-Christ-like behavior. (Getting into fights? Check. Slutty, kind of ice-skater clothing? Check. Talking mad smack about other people? Check.) Like many of the Housewives, though, Gorga claims "she doesn't want any drama."

Unfortunately for her, that's exactly what she got -- and more, oh, so much more -- at her son's christening, where she happily welcomed him into God's kingdom. It all started out with Teresa's being late to the church. Melissa and husband, Joe, oddly aware of Teresa's whereabouts for people who supposedly don't care about her, began the event pissed off for her being late to such a momentous occasion -- and they were even more pissed that Teresa's husband, Joe, didn't show at all because he had a "tummy ache."

Teresa was cordial and congratulatory to the couple, trying to get the baby to laugh during pictures, etc., but the Gorgas weren't having it. Seemed like they were fixin' for a fight.

On to the after-party -- which, P.S., would rival any wedding the Brownstone has ever seen. Teresa's husband, Joe, made a miraculous recovery and was able to attend the event, much to the Gorgas' dismay. The dude was damned if he did, damned if he didn't. Throughout the entire party, you could feel the tension rising. Joe Gorga was drinking more and more "in honor of his son," and in the process, getting more and more agro and machismo. Melissa, on the other hand, sat with her sisters, who, like any good siblings would do, were getting in her ear about how crappy Teresa and Joe are.

Then Teresa came over.

Unaware that the table conversation was centered around her general sucky-ness, Teresa draped her arms around her brother and sister-in-law, kissed them, and said, "Congratulations." This was where Joe turned around, drunk, unshaven, and whiskey dripping from his mouth (just kidding, he shaved), and told his sister to get lost because "she's garbage."

Well, you know what happens here. Next, the sisters chimed in. Then, Joe walked over. And in the blink of an eye, an all-out brawl that could easily rival the Danielle Staub Extension-Pulling of 2010 was going off. Gia was hysterical crying. Joe Gorga had to be held back by an army of gold-chained, butterfly-collared men. And poor Teresa's dad, who isn't in the best health already, needed to leave the room because he could barely breathe.

After the Giudices left, in a scene that could be ripped from a Mario Puzo novel, Joe Gorga approached his father, who was clearly unhappy about what just went down at a CHRISTENING, and started yelling at him in Italian, "I'm your son! I'm your son!" It was insane.

As for Caroline and Jacqueline? Well, their stories paled in comparison to this epic drama.

Albie and Chris signed a lease for an apartment in Hoboken, resulting in, of course, Caroline getting all teary-eyed. But, dude, Caroline looks good. And she's still the most stable housewife in all the land.

Jacqueline basically picked up where she left off last season -- arguing with daughter, Ashley, about anything and everything. 

Before I conclude this opus of a Housewives recap, I would just like to commend Bravo on their editing. The show brilliantly started off with a clip of the juiciest part -- the fight -- then faded to black and chyroned "One week earlier" on the screen. The rest of the show managed to suspend the feeling of "Oh, my God, what's going to happen" throughout, complete with a dramatic score. Bravo, Bravo. David Chase would be proud.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Discuss.


Image via Bravo

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