Jessica Simpson Wants to Elope (Don't Make Me Laugh)

jessica simpsonUnless you live under a rock, you know that Jessica Simpson recently got engaged to Nick Lachey, John Mayer, Tony Romo, Eric Johnson. Congrats, best of luck, blah-blah-blah. We also all know how they met -- through a friend. And we're aware of the details of their engagement -- a low-key, at-home kinda thing. Oh, and we now know that she's going to be part of the designing of her wedding dress. (Sure you are, sweetie.) What can we say? The girl likes to share.

That's why when I heard that Jessica told Women's Wear Daily that she "might elope," only one thing came to mind: Yeah. Right!


Jessica. You're lying. Just stop it. Cut the crap. If I had to pick one celebrity in the entire universe who wouldn't elope, it would be you. Why's that, you want to know? Well, I'm so glad you asked. Let's take a walk, I'll tell you.

You had your entire marriage with Nick Lachey filmed and packaged for MTV. Granted, it was an awesome show (My favorite episode was when you guys got into a fight because he decorated the house while you were away. The nerve!), but it was broadcast for the entire world to see.

After that (both the show and your marriage), you had a brief fling with World's Most Annoying Man, John Mayer -- you remember, you were his sexual napalm. It was then that you dyed your hair brown and got all deep and singer/songwriter-y. But you still managed to dish all the details of your relationship whenever given the chance.

Then, there was Tony Romo. To be honest, I kinda jumped ship at that point, didn't pay much attention to you two, but I distinctly recall seeing your face on the cover of all my favorite "periodicals." See a pattern here?

Jessica, you're not going to elope, and you don't even want the paparazzi to think you're going to elope, so you can throw them off. They're going to be there. All of them. Some of them will probably be in your wedding. And you are going to be on the front page of every gossip blog with your poofy dress, tiara, and father, Joe. So, please, you are a lovely, lovely girl, but do me a favor and ditch the cloak and dagger act. You're only going to wind up looking foolish.

What do you think about Jessica Simpson's talk of eloping?


Image via Splash News

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