Heidi Montag Live-Tweets Breast Massage, Twitter Collectively Shudders

I hate to contribute to her media coverage, I really do, but this is an entertainment column, and I suppose we have to collectively admit there's something entertaining about Heidi Montag. From the horrific ear-clawing crap she calls "singing" to the nonstop circus of Speidi, I always eye-roll when I see her name ... but I usually keep reading to see what the latest madness is.

This week the news has to do with those gigantic flotation devices she had surgically attached to her chest. On Tuesday she Tweeted that she was in the midst of getting to know herself a little better:
"Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft."

Which ... ew. Not that there's anything wrong with touching your own body, and as every woman should know, monthly self breast exams are strongly recommended.

So it's not the massaging that ooks me out, it's the reminder that her sweater puppies are formed of silicone or saline or oversized pneumatic honeydews or whatever. Also, according to a cosmetic surgery website, the recommended method of medical breast massage is "forceful pinching from side to side, or a strong compression against the chest."

Yeesh. If any horny dudes out there had a soft-focus fantasy of Heidi gently cradling her massive hooters while porn music played in the background, now's the time for your boner to go south.

I'm not entirely sure what the massage is for, if it's to help with scar tissue or what, but I will say that a recent photo of Heidi posing in Costa Rica looks better than her plastic-fantastic images of late. (Sure, she's sporting a bandage on her delicately constructed snout to "hold her nose in place," which is perhaps the most compelling argument against cosmetic surgery I've ever heard, but her overall appearance looks a little more natural.) Maybe all that forceful pinching has reduced her cup size by a millimeter or two. 

What do you think about Heidi's implant-massage tweet? Typical attention-getting tactics from the queen of tacky, or useful public service announcement?

Image via MTV.com

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