Tattoo Parlors at Whole Foods Could Be Just the Beginning of Hipstertopia

Have you ever been shopping at your local chain organic grocery store and thought to yourself -- dang, I wish there was a place around here where I could get some ink? If so, then you're in luck, because Whole Foods is floating the idea of adding tattoo parlors to its stores.


Raw milk -- check. Organic free-range eggs -- check. New "I <3 Mother Nature" tat -- check. Wait, what?

The grocery chain is preparing to launch a new line of stores called Whole Foods 365, which touts itself as a smaller, more affordable counterpart to Whole Foods proper. It's being marketed mainly toward millennials, since we're broke as a joke and can't necessarily afford to spend $14 on a head of broccoli.

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As part of the appeal, the company is inviting other vendors to participate in Friends of 365. It's hoping to provide services like tattoo parlors. Maybe barber shops too. Or record stores. Actually, this sounds like hipster nirvana.

But why stop at tattoo shops at Whole Foods? How about a lumbersexual beard-trimming station?

Might I suggest they also install tablets into the shopping carts to play Portlandia on a loop? Just to up the hipster atmosphere, of course. Please note, Portlandia may only be enjoyed ironically.

Bike rentals. Of course. Mandatory bike rentals for all non-Prius drivers.

There could be a non-prescription glasses kiosk too, where hipsters could make sure their frames are in top-notch shape. Not that they need them for anything other than identifying as a hipster, but you know. They have needs too.

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I'm telling you, potential tattoo parlors in Whole Foods are just the beginning ... before too long, there will never be any reason for young people to leave their paradise. After all, the store already stocks free-trade organic coffee. And everyone knows that's hipster lifeblood.


Image via © Ed Murray/Star Ledger/Corbis

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