Drunk Females Are Our Nation's Biggest Threat, According to Fraternity President

Drunk Female Guests Are the Gravest Threat to Fraternities

For some reason, a really powerful and accurate piece by a Forbes author was deleted yesterday. Thanks to the web caching capabilities of the Internet, however, we can still read it, and marvel at how true it is. It's titled "Drunk Female Guests Are the Gravest Threat to Fraternities," and I think you'll agree with every single one of contributor Bill Frezza's points.

What's really amazing about this post, aside from the incredibly appropriate accompanying image which depicts a young woman provocatively swilling from a bottle of wine while splayed out on the floor, is the fact that Bill Frezza is the President of The Beta Foundation, the house corporation for the Chi Phi fraternity at MIT. It's deeply heartwarming and not at all terrifying to know this person is in a position to advise young fraternity bros and help them develop healthy, respectful attitudes toward women.


Frezza begins his searing social commentary with the line, "I realize this headline is click-bait, but I believe it to be true." Many a piece of prize-winning journalism has started in this way, but Frezza goes on to exceed the reader's expectationa as he explores his groundbreaking theory:

As recriminations against fraternities mount and panicked college administrators search for an easy out, one factor doesn’t seem to be getting sufficient analysis: drunk female guests.

My god, finally someone has summoned the courage to identify the real culprit driving the assaults, injuries, and horrifying misconduct that frequently happens in our nation's universities. It's drunk female guests, a growing plague that continually ravages the finest of frat bro societies. Helpless in the wake of these unholy Boones-Farm-scented sirens, frat bros are in fact the victims, as I'm glad Mr. Frezza has pointed out.

He goes on:

(…) we have very little control over women who walk in the door carrying enough pre-gaming booze in their bellies to render them unconscious before the night is through. (…) In our age of sexual equality, why drunk female students are almost never characterized as irresponsible jerks is a question I leave to the feminists. But it is precisely those irresponsible women that the brothers must be trained to identify and protect against, because all it takes is one to bring an entire fraternity system down.

INDEED, Mr. Frezza! The answer is so clear: we need specialized military training programs to help fraternity men properly identify the enemy and take her out before she can bring shame to the brothers' household. Well, it's really a two-pronged approach: train them, and serve them beer.

As I wrote in my recent column “Ban Kegs From Fraternity Parties? Require Them Instead!,” the best way to reduce the incentive to furtively chug half a bottle of vodka before going out for a night of fun is by lowering the drinking age to 18 while encouraging the consumption of beer over distilled spirits. Alas, this is not going to happen any time soon.

In order to prevent unwanted outcomes such as the false accusation of rape -- so MANY of those assault cases turn out to be fake, obviously! -- Frezza suggests,

Identify drunks at the door. I don’t care how pretty or flirtatious a young lady is; if she’s visibly intoxicated, don’t let her in. Although we were once reprimanded for turning away a drunk female student who ultimately required an ambulance when she passed out on our sidewalk, it would have gone a lot worse for us had she collapsed inside.

WHEW CLOSE CALL. Thank god for the quick thinking of these fraternity brothers who probably gathered around this student and engaged in lascivious poses for the sake of an amusing selfie instead of making sure she was okay.

Frezza, who I would like once more to remind you is the president of one of the oldest and "most respected" fraternity chapters at MIT, muses that while you can probably get away with rape, it'll be a total pain and bring unfair judgement upon your bros:

And while a rape charge under these circumstances is unlikely to hold up in a court of law, it doesn’t take much for a campus kangaroo court to get you expelled, ruining your life while saddling your fraternity with a reputation for harboring rapists.

In conclusion, Frezza says "rather than blaming the institutions that house and educate them, the only defense is extreme vigilance." Do you hear that, fraternity brothers across the land? EXTREME vigilance. He's so right, and I can't believe no one's said it before now: fraternities are filled with well-behaved sober young men who are being continually unfairly treated by drunken females clamoring for aggressive sex they will later regret. Bless this man for sharing his wise opinions with the world, and I simply can't imagine why Forbes deleted the post after approximately half a horrified second yesterday.

Seriously on a scale from oh my god to HOLY SHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS, how do you rate this guy's "Drunk Female Guests Are the Gravest Threat to Fraternities" article?

Image via tmab2003/Flickr

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