My name is Jenny (aka The Bloggess). I'm an irreverent satire writer with a penchant for saying baffling things that leave people alternately appalled and fascinated. I'm best known for giving unprovoked and vaguely dangerous advice, and was once labeled an "interesting psycho" by Gawker after unwittingly starting a small blood feud with William Shatner. I find it very hard to dispute any of this.
A few years ago I went to visit my sister around Christmas and her kids told me that they had to be very good because "the elf on the shelf is watching us."It sounded like the beginning of a bad Stephen King novel, but turns out it was just a tiny stuffed elf that parents hide around the house so that the elf can report back to Santa. Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like intentionally bringing in a spy to hide in your house, eavesdrop on your family, and then report all questionable activity back to the authorities.
I told my sister that I thought the whole thing smacked of McCarthyism and she pointed out that it was more accurately a manifestation of Freud’s Super-ego in elf form.
The other day a friend asked me what the best pet is to have around small children and my answer is “None” because small children are very dangerous. My friend thought I was joking and so I made up a list of why pets suck when you have little kids.
Yesterday I read about a provocative ad made by the Milwaukee Health Department, which warns parents about the dangers of sleeping with babies. I didn’t actually read the article myself, but I saw the ad, and so I can understand some why people would be so upset about these ads.
First of all, Milwaukee, babies aren't as dangerous as cleavers. I’m not even sure why I’m having to clarify this. I’ve almost never cut myself on a sleeping baby. No one murders co-eds with sleeping babies. Sleeping babies aren't even sharp. This is just ridiculous and it’s ludicrous to imply otherwise. If I was a baby, I would probably sue.
If you’re anything like me, you spend most of your day suspecting that you’re pregnant. I blame too many years of watching unsuspecting women on Oprah tell of having a stomachache that ended minutes later with an unexpected baby laying on the grocery store floor. That’s why I’ve devised these simple guidelines to help you figure out if you’re pregnant or just paranoid.
This week is Banned Book Week so I thought to myself, What better week to write about dinosaurs? Then I remembered that I don’t get paid to write about dinosaurs and so I turned my attention back to banned books.
As parents, it is our duty to protect our children from questionable, controversial, and uncomfortable ideas at all costs. Book burning seems strangely out-of-fashion lately (probably because of all the wildfires) but there’s something to be said for shoving your children’s hands into a bonfire of books and then telling them that their pain was caused by J.D. Salinger, who should probably have just focused on drawing pictures of happy kittens.