My name is Jenny (aka The Bloggess). I'm an irreverent satire writer with a penchant for saying baffling things that leave people alternately appalled and fascinated. I'm best known for giving unprovoked and vaguely dangerous advice, and was once labeled an "interesting psycho" by Gawker after unwittingly starting a small blood feud with William Shatner. I find it very hard to dispute any of this.
It’s the end of summer and the only thing said around my house more than “I’m hungry” is “I’m bored." The “I’m hungry” doesn’t bother me as much because it’s usually me saying it defensively to my cats while I’m eating chocolate directly out of the refrigerator, but the "I'm bored" is starting to drive me entirely fucking insane.
An open letter to very young teenagers wanting babies:
Just ... no.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you ever even met a baby? Because most of them are assholes and they’re the only variety of people even more moody and cranky than teenagers.
Look, I know. I know you want a baby because you feel alone and you want someone who will love you and need you. I get that. And that’s why you should go get a puppy. Because puppies are totally glad when you come home to see them. Babies on the other hand aren’t there when you come home from school to see them because they’ve been taken away by child protective services because you can’t just leave babies on the floor while you run to class. This is just one of the many differences between puppies and babies.
Right now there’s some minor drama on the Internet about a woman’s right to choose to have a child. You might think I’m talking about “choice vs. life” but that would be far too obvious and actually worthy of argument. Instead the kerfuffle is over the fact that some women are loudly choosing to be childfree.
I actually have a pretty strong opinion about this.
This month a tiny bit of my terrible advice will appear in May’s issue of Redbook. I know. I don’t understand it either. My guess is that the editor is high. But it’s an excellent opportunity to pimp out my book and to make sure that people do understand the important things you can do for your children.
The article is called “The 50 Best Things You Can Do For Your Kids” and although I only needed to come up with one I ended up with 10 myself. Because it’s fairly easy to end up with unsolicited advice when you’re a mother. Or when you’ve been drinking. Or both.
Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation. Which means you just took a lifelong job with no chance of promotion or advancement. Worst. Job. Ever.
The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants. Or maybe you should clean your room when God tells you to.
If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. Because raising an eavesdropper is always the way to go.
What a child doesn't receive, he can seldom later give. Like affection. Or gonorrhea.