If you're a fan of paranormal/horror documentary-style footage that features mysterious goings-ons viewed through the wobbly lens of a hand-held camera, great news! Tonight's premiere episode of The River promises to offer exactly that, as evidenced by the trailer which includes a lot of hysterical screaming, flailing cameras, and nerve-wracking shouts of "IT'S OUT THERE!"

There seem to be some decent reasons to check out the show: the co-creator is Oren Peli, who was the writer-director of the wildly popular Paranormal Activity, and Steven Spielberg is the executive producer. The trailer is legitimately creepy in parts, and the plot doesn't sound half bad.

The only problem? We've seen all this before, back when it was called The Blair Witch Project. And I'm not convinced The River adds anything new to what's become an increasingly tired formula.

The other day I had a rare hour to myself at the used bookstore, and as I was happily digging through a pile of dusty memoirs, I found myself thinking, "Hey! I should see if they have any of those awful Magic Treehouse books I hate reading to my kid."

(Nothing against the prolific and successful Magic Treehouse author, mind you, it's just that I really dislike those stories. But my 6-year-old loves them, and so almost every night I read him that series. From Buffalo Before Breakfast to Polar Bears Past Bedtime, I dutifully visit the land of Jack and Annie, although I've been thinking of publishing a parody book titled Seriously Stilted Sentence Structures at Sunset.)

That's how things are now: I get a chance to be totally self-indulgent, and I end up doing something for my damn wiener kids. I'm not saying I've become a more generous, selfless person since parenthood—I'm saying parenthood causes chemical alterations to your brain, and not always in a good way.

Have you heard the latest about Tracy Morgan? No, he didn't collapse at another film festival, but apparently he's a heartless jerk who's so incredibly selfish he won't even loan his mother some cash to save her Ohio home from foreclosure. Considering he's a multimillionaire and all she needs is $25,000 to save her home—and she recently lost her job, and she has bad health—it's no wonder his sister and mother are speaking to the media about how shocked and hurt they are by Morgan's actions.

What an asshole! What an ungrateful son! What a ... perfect example of how we can never know the true story of what's going on with a celebrity.