I’m a humor columnist, on-air lifestyle expert, Host of The Jenny Isenman Show on Cafe Mom, and a proud mama of two. I’m also a cellulite/wrinkle obsessed, pop-culture junkie and card carrying Gen Xer (oh, they have cards). I’m known as Jenny from the Blog at my site The Suburban Jungle. I guarantee that reading it will make you tanner, smarter, and reduces cellulite. Well, at the very least, it’ll make you more literate.
Venti Non-Fat Latte ... oh, and an Iced Green Tea (to negate the bad effects of the coffee)
Over the years I've let some pretty stellar entertainment pass me by, like: Breaking Bad, Weeds, Lost, Shameless, Game of Thrones,Homeland, Mad Men ... due to this crazy thing called life. You know life, right? The whole raising a family, having a job, trying to maintain a certain age, weight, and level of sanity (though your body fights you on it) thing? Yeah, that.
I've heard how enthralling and addictive these shows are but life got in the way. Well, that's over. I've pretty much given up my life lately to binge watch some of these shows, so that I can have more stimulating conversations with people five years ago.
That said, I've found a strange effect from binge watching shows, aside from the one that makes me appear comatose and unresponsive. I start to feel like a character in these shows. Like they're actually affecting me. For instance ...
You know how sometimes you say something to your child and you can't believe you actually said it? For instance last week I wrote about an incident in which I had to ask my son to stop smelling the cat. And there was another time at Foot Locker when my son, a toddler at the time, commented on how large a woman's boobs were -- as he grabbed and smushed them in his little hands. We were about 10 seconds from a full-on motor boat when I was forced to yell, "We don't grab people's boobies. So, Stop feeling up the nice lady."
All parents have turned some pretty insane phrases at one time or another. I always wonder if it's the parents who've gone bat shit crazy for saying these things or the children who are the certifiable ones for making these phrases need to be said.
Here are some of the weirdest things I've had to say to my children plus some phrases from my awesome Facebook Fans.
After getting such an amazing response on my "40 Signs You're a Mom" list, it dawned on me that those folks who don't have kids yet or don't want them have some pretty distinctive qualities of their own. Qualities that give us seasoned parents a chuckle at the mere thought of, like, not finding it a triumph to have an uninterrupted visit to the bathroom. Bwahahaha. Hahahah. Haha. Ha. (Okay, now I'm crying.)
That said, here are 30 signs you are NOT a parent.
Let's face it, kids are brutally honest. For instance I had no idea my butt was so jiggly until my daughter nicely informed me. (OK fine, I knew, but I didn't need it pointed out.)
Kids also say lovely honest things, like, "Mommy, I'm lucky you're way more fun than the other mothers" or "Mommy, I bet when we go out, people think we're sisters."
When my little ones say stuff like that, the result is utter joy, which is why I'm inventing Rosetta Stone (Mother Language Edition). Yep, I'll be putting a multitude of beautiful sentiments (we wish our children would utter) on tape, so we can stick headphones on those kiddos while they sleep.
After writing a recent piece on 5 baby classes I wish they gave because they would be awesome, it dawned on me that the classes I did choose were pretty questionable. By that I mean, classes that now make me question my own sanity at the time. When my first child was little, I was under the impression that the more time you spent in various classes that would teach and socialize your baby, the better parent you were. Sure, we may have had to take out a second mortgage but darn if my 3 month old wasn't going to get a baby massage in a fancy room while he and 10 other babies squirmed uncomfortably. No, I would not be the ogre to rob him of that experience. An experience that would surely be the reason he one day gets accepted to Harvard.I'm pretty certain I'm not the only mom that searched for the perfect classes. Here are my 5 Mommy and Me mistakes (if only I could get that money back to buy shoes, or food)...