I’m a humor columnist, on-air lifestyle expert, Host of The Jenny Isenman Show on Cafe Mom, and a proud mama of two. I’m also a cellulite/wrinkle obsessed, pop-culture junkie and card carrying Gen Xer (oh, they have cards). I’m known as Jenny from the Blog at my site The Suburban Jungle. I guarantee that reading it will make you tanner, smarter, and reduces cellulite. Well, at the very least, it’ll make you more literate.
Venti Non-Fat Latte ... oh, and an Iced Green Tea (to negate the bad effects of the coffee)
(This is the true story one of my previous Mother's Day written on that particular day as the events unfolded. Some names have been changed for no reason whatsoever.)Today, I'm officially the Queen. It's true, my children told me this when I awoke. By "awoke," I mean when they woke me at 8AM and said, "We let you sleep in Mommy, now wake up because you're the Queen today."
I'm sure the Queen wakes up at 8AM on the days she sleeps in too.
I'd like to note that, if the Queen is knee deep in pee, whining, and is constantly saying things like, "I will separate you two if I have to," and "Can someone extract this Lego from my foot?" than I am the Queen every day. I have a feeling she is not, but as I've been a Queen for 6 hours now, I thought I'd fill you in on what it's REALLY like.
There are certain secrets we moms keep to ensure the survival of our species. It’s not like we took an oath to keep them, it’s more of an unconscious phenomenon — like we’re programmed to omit certain details about parenting life from conversations on an evolutionary level.
I kinda wish I’d been privy to this classified information beforehand, not that I could’ve prepared, but, like, full disclosure people! So I will go against my internal programming and divulge some things parents let you find out for yourselves.
The other day I was watching one of those commercials for some medication, where a bee or a butterfly or a ladybug tells me how to get more sleep or be less depressed -- and after the obligatory listing of what said drug may cause, I realized I already have most of those side effects, simply from being a parent.
Which is why I’m suggesting kids come with a warning label ... you know, so there are no surprises? Maybe we could redesign those generic hospital blankies into big soft yellow swaddlers with a list on the back in bold black writing and send new parents home with one.
I was telling a friend that I'd be willing to trade in my Gen X status for that of a 30-year-old hipster who wears black-rimmed glasses (for statement, not vision, purposes). Then, I'd never have to admit that I spent the Saturday nights of my childhood hoping beyond hope that Charo would be the surprise guest on The Love Boat or that somehow, Shari and Lambchop would find themselves in an eerie episode of Fantasy Islandwhere Shari was the puppet. (What, I'm the only one who wished for that story line? I think not.)
No, I wouldn't know a lot of things like, the pain of seeing Chachi marry Joanie or the name of my first Cabbage Patch Kid or the "awesome" effects of Sun-In, had I not been a poster child for Generation X. Things like this:
The Work At Home Mom (WAHM), is like devil spawn of a Stay-at-Home (SAHM) and a working mom. Though many people think it's ideal (I do), it comes with a shocking amount of guilt, a penchant for procrastination and a sprinkle of self loathing. I know, I'm making it sound awesome, right?
We have no actual schedule and no other people in "the office" for motivation, and we have constant feeling that we need to be accomplishing many things at once to be productive - like mulitasking on crack, which is why WAHMs have a lot in common.
If you're thinking of us in short shorts and high sweat socks, then you're thinking of WHAM and that's a different article, though I do write a lot about being obsessed with the 80s.
That said, I thought I would make a list of traits, thoughts and occurrences most WAHMs have thought said or done: