Sexist Obituary for 'Fat' Woman Prompts Us to Re-Imagine These 8 Celebrity Deaths​

Colleen McCullough obituary

Did you happen to read the Australian’s obituary for Colleen McCullough? McCullough was Australia’s best-selling author, a woman who wrote 25 novels, including The Thorn Birds, which sold more than 30 million copies. But this is how the Australian chose to honor her: “Plain of feature, and certainly overweight, she was, nevertheless, a woman of wit and warmth.”

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My goodness, wasn’t it kind of them to mention the fact that even though she was crippled by being plain and “certainly overweight,” she nevertheless remained witty and warm? I mean, no need to start out by mentioning her impressive literary accomplishments or the fact that she was trained as a neuroscientist. I think we should take the Australian’s approach to some of our fallen male celebrities, giving them the same generous treatment:

Elvis Presley. Comically overweight with gaudy sideburns, Presley is best known for gifting the world with the peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich. He maybe did some musical stuff, we’re not sure.

Luciano Pavarotti. Oh my GAH, so fat. Like seriously, what a lardass. Kind of a nasty scraggly beard, too. I guess he sang but who can even be sure with that receding hairline?

Marlon Brando. Just a rolling tub of blubber, really. Didn’t he have like 17 kids? Yeesh. And two eyebrows that looked like caterpillars fighting to the death on his forehead. Oh, was he in some movies? I didn’t know.

Roger Ebert. Pudgy and not classically handsome, he somehow overcame these defining characteristics to have a career of some kind. But let’s talk about the fact that he should have visited Weight Watchers like 30 years ago, right?

Tom Clancy. Not really in the best of shape and I really feel like he could have chosen more flattering eyeglasses as he aged. I think he wrote a book or two but what about that combover, am I right?

Andy Griffith. When you get older, you really need to start considering trimming down your eyebrows — so many men fall victim to this fate! Jowly and large of ear, Griffith will nevertheless live on for some reason or another.

Dick Clark. Forehead? More like five head. This guy had teeth that looked like Chiclets, I swear to God. And he really made some bad spray-tan decisions on some of his New Year's gigs.

Steve Jobs. Hawkish, gaunt, and with a penchant for wearing the same clothes over and over, Steve Jobs surely contributed ... something. But seriously, that monotone wardrobe! HeLLO, stylist?

If you’re thinking those obituaries sounded insipid and breathtakingly idiotic, I agree. That’s about how the Australian should feel for the way they chose to describe Colleen McCullough, an accomplished woman with many notable achievements. Reducing what she contributed to the world by focusing on her physical appearance was an unbelievably shameful act, and I’m glad the world took notice of it.

Do you think the Australian treated Colleen McCullough badly with their obituary?


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