Mom Confesses She Listened to Son Having Sex & That's Not the Worst Part

What's worse than accidentally hearing your parents having sex? Accidentally hearing your kid having sex. Unless you're mom Colleen Nolan -- then you welcome the opportunity to appraise your adult son's sexual technique. Nolan, who writes an advice column for The Mirror, confesses that when her son, Shane, accidentally left her a voicemail message of himself having sex with his girlfriend, mom had no problem listening to the entire thing.


It's unclear how old Shane, now 26, was when this happened, but he was probably still in his teens, given that he was living at home and his mother was already worried because he was out late. Nolan told the British TV show Loose Women:

I came down one morning and had a missed call from Shane Junior and I’d missed it at 4 a.m. I knew he’d been out so I was panicking, thinking ‘oh my god’, he might be in hospital and all that. And it had gone to voicemail and I was listening to it for about the first ten seconds and I was thinking 'what the hell is that?' I realised his phone had gone off during ... his night of passion.

As it dawned that those moans and groans Nolan was listening to were not the death rattles of a teen in a car wreck, you would think Nolan would have hurriedly hung up the phone, left it soaking in bleach overnight, and then cleaned out her ears with an ice pick. But no.

Instead, Nolan confessed that she listened for a full four and a half minutes, and then grades the encounter, saying, "I was dead impressed."


Okay, on the one hand, it's great that here is a mother who is realistic about her children having sex -- and not embarrassed or shamed by it. Not only that, she seems to have some interest in whether or not her son is a good lover -- which is shudder-inducing but, I dunno, kind of admirable?

However, what business is it of Nolan's how good a lover her son is? And how could she be impressed with whatever she heard? I'm not going to ask her to clarify, but I assume this means her son's partner seemed mighty happy? So she's infringing upon her son's and his girlfriend's privacy.

I mean, would you listen to your kid going to the bathroom? Masturbating?

She says she then played the recording for her son and his girlfriend, because, ya know, it's not embarrassing enough already. I wonder if she gave them notes?

More from The Stir: Pop Songs About Sex: I Let My 7-Year-Old Listen, Do You?

There's a reason adults are naturally squeamish about our children having sex and that is so we always keep in mind they are our children. When you're not squeamish about it, you end up with people like this couple.

Poor kid is probably put off sex forever.

Would you ever listen to your teen having sex?


Image via g-stockstudio/shutterstock

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